The Angry Pirate...

Crunch!

2011-05-18T13:49:00.003-04:00

I was just thinking about the phrase "walking on eggshells" as it relates to a coworker. Strangely, I seem to have 1 coworker, and 1 relative who I am constantly on the verge of pissing off (and vice versa). It's a strange phrase... why would you walk on an eggshell? Who's making omelets, and why wasn't I offered one? I like to use the phrase "walking on thin ice". It's much more likely a scenario, and while unadvised it may occasionally be unavoidable.

In the case of the coworker, it's someone I quite enjoy being around so when the pissing off occurs it makes it that much more painful and messy. For the relative, it's someone higher than me in the familiar hierarchy on my wife's side who has always had copious disdain for me, and at this point I am convinced is the anti-Christ. Well if not actually the anti-Christ, then a close cousin.

In both cases, I am somewhat forced to be around these people. One, a work contract mandates it and the other is related to me (on paper). So the question is: is it possible to be comfortable around someone if the thin ice is always crackling at your feet? On the surface (he he... ice, surface) it's an easy answer. Unfortunately when you are forced into the relationships through love, life, or employment - you have to make your own way. I NEED to find comfort in these situations, but still I find myself ill at ease - and rightfully so.

I'm afraid the answer is to pull back. To hide the aspects of my personality that make the ice crackle, but I feel are part of my core. If I pull back, people notice it... but they don't have any reason to be hypersensitive. I guess it's all about learning what works with which people. (Say those last 5 words three times fast.)

Golden Globes Roundup

2010-01-18T16:00:00.001-05:00

The Golden Globes were last night. It was boring as shit, and I normally frolic like a school girl during awards show season.

AnnaLynne McCord is wearing a dress that looks like she was being molested by the Pillsbury Dough Boy.	Mariah Carey apparently took the title of the show literally.

Ashley Tisdale was dressed as classily as ever. I think Hepburn wore that to the ‘73 Oscars.	Sandra Bullock and Jaime Pressly apparently got my emails.

The award for Best Snuggie goes to Jennifer Aniston.	The vein in Molly Sims’ forehead wore Armani.

I love Kat McPhee, but I’m pretty sure that’s a Hefty bag.	Ashley Greene. Once again, that is all.

So yeah, about Brittany Murphy

2009-12-21T18:02:00.004-05:00

There is a mixed bag of reaction on the Al Gore Intrawebs about the untimely passing of actress and oft-anorexic hottie Brittany Murphy.

I have previously copped to loving some lame ass movies, and I will admit that Ms. Murphy has made my DVD shelf on more than one occasion. So, while I don't think you could call me a fan, I definitely was well acquainted with her body of work.

Half of me is not surprised. There were a lot of rumors that she was a crazy drug user, and many people have reported erratic behavior recently. You don't have to be Carl Gauss to put that 2 + 2 together.

Of course, you can't rule out homicide. I think the LAPD should interview Tiger Woods. Just in case, y'know? This is exactly what he needed.

When young people die, it's a horrible depressing thing, and it shouldn't have been her time. She had a lot more crappy romantic comedies and being almost naked to do, and the world would have paid great attention to both.

Lindsay Lohan in 'Muse'

2009-12-20T14:52:00.002-05:00

Lindsay Lohan was in my favorite movie of all time. I'm not afraid to admit that Mean Girls was on my weekly playlist for fiscal years 2007 and 2008. Back then she was awesome. Now shes just - some.

I don't know what 'Muse' is. My mates tell me that it's a magazine that takes semi-artistic photos of trashy women. My eyes confirm this.

No more 'spooning for Jake

2009-12-16T19:26:00.002-05:00

Good news guys!

Reese Witherspoon is on the market once again. According to various news outlets, she split with Jake Gyllenhaal after "months of fighting".

The star of Brokeback Mountain and the men's room at many a Los Angeles cabaret was "heartbroken" when Reese decided it was time to give up.

What the article doesn't say is what she has given up on. The pirate's thoughts:

Mysteriously "losing" her pantyhose every Saturday night.
Stubble in her lip gloss.
Stress fractures in her high-heels.
A subscription to Men's Fitness.

"Real" Housewives of Photoshop

2009-12-15T18:02:00.003-05:00

I don't watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey". In fact, I don't watch any of the "real" housewives shows, preferring to bask in the glow of actual housewives at the local Walmart. That's as real as it gets. You haven't lived until you've seen two older broads fight over a zhu zhu pet. But I digress...

This lady, who is on that show, and who shall remain nameless (because I don't have the energy to go look it up) recently unveiled her nude PETA ad. OK... Look at her, then look at the ad. Do it again.

The woman in the PETA ad looks like Tiffani Amber Thiessen's older (and what we in politically correct circles like to call 'mentally challenged') sister. The woman standing next to the PETA ad looks like a reanimated corpse.

You do the math.

Holly Sampson Golf Project

2009-12-12T14:50:00.003-05:00

Holly Sampson is one of the women who is stepping forward to say that she has experienced everything Tiger Woods has to offer. She also happens to be a porn star.

Surprisingly, 'Tiger's Wood' is already in production. Since Vivid lost the race for the best and most obvious title, they went to the next best thing... getting one of the actual women who boned golfnerd.

It would appear from this picture (snapped outside of Vivid headquarters) that production on Holly Sampson Golf Project (the porno title guys had better get moving) is about to begin. How about Woods and Irons: A fantasia on golf & bondage. Too much?

I particularly enjoy the subtlety of the 72 point font, and the perfect placement of that envelope. But I know that there can't be a script in there, so my question of the day: What's in the envelope...

A. 40 sheets of blank copier paper.
B. The "secret" fifth book of the "Twilight" series.
C. A couple headshots and a mini tube of Vaseline.
D. Air.

I left my "gimp" mask at the palace...

2009-12-09T20:09:00.004-05:00

Queen Elizabeth: Chestershire? Is it Halloween already...

Chestershire: No, your majesty. These are the performers from the Royal Variety performance.

Queen Elizabeth: Where am I?

Chestershire: May I present... Lady... Ga...ga?

Lady Gaga: Your majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I quite enjoy the circus.

Lady Gaga: It was an honor to perform for you.

Queen Elizabeth: Am I being robbed?

Chestershire: Your majesty, Lady Gaga is a celebrity from the United States.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh good-good, I quite like the colonies. Lady, is it? Is your title by birth or by appointment?

Lady Gaga: Actually... By surgeon.

ZING!

Ashley Greene

2009-12-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

That is all.

You Can Dress Richard Simmons

2007-10-17T21:19:00.001-04:00

Richard Simmons is going trick-or-treating. You can register online at his website and suggest what he wears. I IMPLORE YOU... Go with something like a wizard or Chewbacca or something else that involves a lot of fabric and or synthetic hair. Beyonce's closet, perhaps.

This one time, I was in the audience of the Late Show with David Letterman and Little Ricky did a run-through. I was on the aisle. His leg brushed me. As I looked down in horror, I noticed that my pants literally had oil on them. A slick that reeked of coconut.

So, you have the power. Cover it up.

God Damn You, Clay Aiken!

2007-10-16T19:54:00.000-04:00

It has been reported that Clay Aiken is taking over the role of Sir Robin in the Broadway company of Spamalot. Those of you who are theatrically inclined may remember this as the role originated by David Hyde Pierce.

The only good news here is that Claygay is just about the 10th person to play the role. It's not like he is the second, or even third person don the soiled undergarments of Brave Sir Robin. Between "Fantasia" in The Color Purple and Clay in Spamalot, I'm beginning to think that I need to find a new favorite thing. Broadway is going down the crapper.

Kathy Griffin Takes a Bite out of an Apple

2007-10-15T18:17:00.000-04:00

Kathy Griffin is dating Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak.

The D-List celebu-not is recently divorced from her first husband, whom she claimed stole money from her. It's a good thing that you can't steal the funny from a person, because Kathy Griffin has plenty to go around. Or not.

Seriously though, I'm happy for Kathy Griffin.

She's finally netted herself a wealthy man. Even if that man looks like Stephen King and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons had a child.

He's certainly doing us all a service by giving Griffin no reason to do appearances or stand up.

The dude has millions and billions of dollars. But more importantly he is bedding an annoying redhead. The only other person who was so lucky was the last person to bang Carrot Top. Sorry C-top. I meant to call...

Gwen Stefani Whips It Out.

2007-08-07T16:26:00.001-04:00

According to Page Six, hella-hot Gwen Stefani doesn't know when to quit. Breastfeeding that is.

"I don't know when I'm going to stop breast-feeding...I'll just keep going while I can - like, he's getting his teeth, so it is a little bit scary. He's bitten me a few times."

I have never been clear where the line between sexy ass boobies and source of food begins and ends, so I will push on here. The concept of Gwen Stefani's boob deserves whatever time I can give it on the blogsphere. So even if I have to write about little Kingston's Old Country Buffet, I'll do it.

Seriously look at that. Gwen Stefani is basically talking about her nipple. That's really cool, no matter how you cut it. Or bite it.

On a serious note, I think it's great that she's a dedicated mom. She's one of the few Hollywood people who does a great job at bottling up the insanity and not letting it out. Most of the people in LA are letting their crazy soar - I mean it's out there fore everyone to see. Gwen isn't living la vida loco, and this pirate loves it.

Lohan Looks Pretty Arrested.

2007-07-24T14:54:00.000-04:00

And, it's over folks.

Lohan was arrested for DWI and possession of cocaine last night.

Maybe that ankle bracelet was a mini fridge for her bottle of Jaeger.

Unfortunately it will be a while before studios can cast her in anything, because she will be un-insurable.

This could be the beginning of a long and gratifying career in the field of fetish pornography. Someone get me some saran wrap and a small rodent.

Britney Slaps Her Mama.

2007-07-18T09:46:00.000-04:00

Let's take a journey to the multi-million dollar house in the Hollywood Hills with pink flamingos in the lawn and a rusted out chevy on cinder blocks in the side yard.

According to reports, Britney Spears' mother had the audacity to tell her daughter to be a better parent. Our favorite sagging pop tart did not take to kindly to the visit and the advice from the woman who raised her, so she raised her own... hand. That's right crew. Britney slapped the shit out of her own mother. Not to be outdone, according to reports, Lynn slapped right back. This bitch-slap fest is yet another slip towards the bowels of celebutard hell for Britney. I mean even in the south, it's not kosher to slap yo' mama.

Unfortunately I can't take a side on this one. Lynn Spears giving advice on how to raise a child is like Jessica Biel giving advice on how NOT to have a wonderful ass. It just doesn't make sense. I'm sure Britney will claim she was rehearsing for a role in one of those moving pictures or something, but still I can't side with someone who would slap their mother. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good slap fight. But some lines must be drawn.

Happy Birthday LiLo!

2007-07-03T08:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Lindsay,

It has been a magical year. You have truly been through alot, and I am very proud of you. Your volunteer work at Promises rehab shows us all what it means to truly give back to society. It is so nice of you to show those sad old drunks that there is so much more to life, like harder drugs and liquor. You are a true role model to us all.

This year has had its challenges too. (What with the looting, and the hoarding... Some of us did questionable things.) You held strong though. You've proven that lust for booze, cocaine, and the love of a fine latin woman (including knifeplay) are things that should be part of ALL of our lives.

On this your 21st birthday, I just want to say from all of us. You just keep on doin' what you doin' girlfriend. Everyone raise a glass (Yes! Mirrors count too...) to Miss Lohan.

Cheers,
The Angry Pirate.

I'm Back Bitches...

2007-06-22T16:12:00.000-04:00

The blog-sphere is still reeling with news of the Angry Pirate's return to the world of web publishing.
Let me see what's new.

Lindsay is in rehab: 50 Patients at a California rehab text message their dealers simultaneously.
Britney shaves head and loses mind: The people rejoice.
Lindsay is back in rehab: Lindsay goes to the beach and drinks alot.
Paris is in jail: LA county jails suffer an unprecidented outbreak of the clap.

Everyone in Hollywood is rumored pregnant - Katie Holmes, Holly Madison, Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera, your mom : The Angry Pirate is back.

A Rant For a Slow News Day

2007-01-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

No one in Hollywood has flashed their junk in the last 24 hours and the streets are temporarily free from drug addled B-listers. As a result, all is calm on the western front.

I'd like to take the opportunity to address those of us who live in the north...

When it snows, why do you all park like a special olympian on crack?

As I cruise my parking lot looking for a spot, I am saddened, dismayed, and a dash angry at the people who can't seem to figure out how to park without the benefit of lines. There are people there who leave a half a spot between their car and the next. It's the perfect spot for a motorcycle, but unfortunately it's fucking winter, and no one has their choppers out. Each idiot who takes up 1 and a half spots deserves a backhand. And I'm not just talking about that one asshole with the '98 Audi who thinks he's special. I'm talking about everyone... shitty mini vans, new BMWs, even the plow truck itself. You are all morons.

When the snow melts, and you return to your car to see that you've actually parked on top of the line, and 4 feet from the nearest obstacle... Do you make a mental note to remember how you park when there ARE lines? Do you notice that you have to be careful not to hit other car doors? Because this morning when you parked your shitty ride diagonally across the visitor space, you were able to fling your door wide, and still have space to spare.

Don't be a dickweed. That is all.

On the Street Where You Live... Michael Jackson.

2007-01-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson has set his pale ass back on American soil. He's been jetting around from Memphis (to "honor" James Brown with his presence at the memorial) and Vegas, and back. But recently on a series of phone interviews, his people would not divulge his currently location for "security reasons".

In a fair world, this guy would have been convicted of drugging (remember Jesus Juice?) and touching (poor, little Culkin and God knows who else) kids. As part of that conviction, he would have to notify the authorities of his whereabouts. Because he got off (bad use of the term, I know) he doesn't have to tell anyone where he is.

He could be camping out on YOUR street. Think about that. You go to get your morning paper, and there crouched behind the tulips... Jacko! Ladies and gentlemen, lock your doors because Michael's bringing WackyBack.

Paris' Container is leaked.

2007-01-25T19:03:00.000-05:00

The contents of Paris Hilton's storage locker have been leaked.

In addition to medical receipts for a miscarriage in 2003, bank statements, prescription bottles for Valtrex (that's herpes, for you young'uns), and more fun stuff there was another treasure trove of porn. And by treasure trove, I mean dumpster.

I shouldn't be so hard on her. She's a multi-millionaire idiot, but shes got pretty nice tits.

More information and pictures and videos, HERE.

Mall Security Fights Over Simpson

2007-01-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

TMZ is reporting that Jessica Simpson was the cause of a fist fight at the mall. When I first saw the headline, I thought that it was referring to everybody who bought Employee of the Month versus every store clerk who would only give store credit for the inevitable return.

But no!

This is a case where mall security decided to step it up for my favorite big boobed blonde. Apparently the paparazzi were really swarming that day, so mall security decided to give one lens leech the old shove. Pap's reply? Two shutterbugs pounded the guard with fists-a-flyin'. The sweet taste of victory was awarded to mall security for once, when a group of them managed to subdue the angry photogs.

An interesting profile of three very different jobs. On one hand you have paparazzi, who swarm around fleeting fame like flies on a horse farm. They kill princesses and annoy drunk heiresses. Then there's Mall Security who spend their days moving kids around the food court and macking on that girl who works at Piercing Pagoda. And the third and perhaps most interesting of all jobs, "pop music has been". They spend their days flashing their fleshy bits to the very photographers that they run from and buying high-end crap with the royalties from their one big hit. I never saw THAT posting on Monster.com.

ACTUAL Pirating... in England.

2007-01-22T14:38:00.000-05:00

The huge container ship MSC Napoli has been intentionally run aground off of the coast of England. Apparently the ship was damaged in a freak storm, ripping a hole and causing the ship to list. The crew was evacuated, and the ship was grounded on a sand bar.

One interesting side effect has been that over 200 of the 2000 plus containers aboard have started washing ashore. (Some have just been washing... Shampoo has already been seen bobbing in the sea.) Around 40 of these tractor trailer sized containers have hit the beach. Recovered items include BMW motorcycles, car parts, and oak barrels of wine.

People have been looting the beach, rolling away anything they can get their hands on. It's not totally illegal, either. There is paperwork that they have to fill out to make it legit. At that point, the original owner can attempt recovery.

This is a chance for someone to dust off an OLD set of laws and actually inhabit a position presumably given as a gag title. The Receiver of Wrecks will be evaluating salvage claims based on a set of laws dating from the 1300's.

And I thought that was Joan Rivers' job.

Paris to Fix the Wonky Eye?

2007-01-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton's screwed up eye is on the pages of the New York Post.

Page Six is reporting that she went to a plastic surgeon this week to discuss fixing that retarded little flap of skin. (No, not Paris. Just her eye.) According to the article, she had her eyes done 6 years ago and some muscular damage to her eyelid resulted. That half-drunk, punched-in-the-eye look has become a sort of trademark for her. If the muscle is that damaged, she might be out of luck.

According to a source, the doc has told her to stop wearing colored contacts to turn her brown eyes blue. Apparently they are irritating the issue by drying out her eye. Maybe if someone made her cry that would help.

Here's a fun fact: Over 700,000 people have bought her sex tape One Night in Paris. Only 100,000 + people have bought her CD. People would rather watch the transmission of STDs than hear to Paris sing.

Jessica Biel's Tongue.

2007-01-18T14:16:00.000-05:00

This picture is old as shit, but I needed to post it anyway. Look, marvel, and ponder at Jessica Biel's tongue... It has more folds than Tara Reid's abdomen.

What a lucky girl. (And I'm not talking about Jessica, Tara, or Derek Jeter.)

Lohan is in Rehab... Finally.

2007-01-18T10:55:00.000-05:00

According to CNN (an actual news outlet), Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into L.A.'s Wonderland Center rehab for undisclosed reasons. She has admitted to attending AA meetings in the past so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she's going to be doing for the next few weeks.

Can you imagine being the poor bastard in her group sessions who was sentenced by the court to be there? His life is about as shitty as it gets, and he's going to have to listen to underage Ho-han bitch about how she can't deal with her millions of dollars and fame. I hope they don't allow any sharp objects in there, because she might come out missing an eye.

In other news... CNN? Yeah. She's way too famous. Sure, Mean Girls was a great movie, but that's about it.

Edited to Add: What was the spark that set this train into motion you ask? Lohan was allegedly found passed out in the hallway outside of Prince's Golden Globes party at 6 am.

Cameron Diaz is a Mess.

2007-01-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

It's a big night in Hollywood. The Golden Globes were on, and most people are drunk and wallowing in their own riches and success. It was an even BIGGER night for stalkers. According to Page Six, Cameron Diaz spent the evening following Justin Timberlake around from party to party.

After she tracked him to the In Style party (probably by dispatching a crew of flying monkeys with N'Sync posters and $5 bills) they had an awkward conversion. Then her magic mirror told her that he was up at the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton, celebrating his freedom at the Universal party. When she arrived, Justin had the gall to be talking to Derek Jeter's beard and the current holder of "most toned ass in Hollywood", Jessica Biel. Cameron "Batman Joker in a wedding dress" Diaz couldn't have that. So she marched over an blew up at Biel. The source called the scene "desperate".

Justin Timberlake has been rumored to be dating Scarlett Johansen, and now he's macking on Jessica Biel. The Joker has a right to be jealous. Unfortunately, her downward spiral started months ago... this is just another twist. What a frigging mess.

Golden Globes Round Up.

2007-01-16T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm an awards show loser. I'll admit it. Last night I sat with a couple of my best mates and got a little drunk on Captain Morgan to the soothing sounds of the Golden Globes.

Notable occurences:

Prince won an award, but wasn't there to accept it. The camera did get a picture of his empty chair, and presenter Justin Timberlake got in a dig by scrunching down really short and accepting the reward on behalf of the little Prince. (Apparently Prince was on record previously saying something along the lines of "whoever is trying to bring sexy back should know that sexy never left." So, turnabout is fair play in the world of effeminate pop stars.)

Helen Mirren's dress had a big old hole in the back that must have been ripped as she went up to accept her award. More disturbing, the hole in the front... showing lots of old lady cleavage.

Lots of dudes talking about balls. First, Tom Hanks said "balls" about 50 times, referring to Warren Beatty. A few moments later he admited to fucking Warren Beatty. Unlike when he fucked everyone else in the world who paid $7.50 to see Polar Express. Sasha Baron Cohen also spent about an hour talking about balls and man ass in his speech. But he's British, so it is expected.

Arnold Schwarzenegger hobbled out on crutches to a mixed-to-cool reception of the left wing Hollywood crowd. He rushed through the award he was giving out. I think it was 'Best BrazillianWax by an Illegal Immigrant' or some shit. Then he ended the show with a lame ass "We'll be bah-ck". Incidentally, the award was not given to anyone who worked on Britney, Lohan, or Paris. It was in fact given to someone who works for Ben Affleck.

All told, it wasn't the best show... But giving Hollywood a lot of booze, and then turning the cameras on never fails to create a moment or two.

Jack-Owes a lot of money.

2007-01-12T20:54:00.000-05:00

Star-Pharmacy Mickey Fine is seeking $101,926.66 from Pop's biggest freak. According to TMZ obtained court documents, Michael Jackson stopped paying his drug bill in mid-2005. Since then, he ordered over 100k worth of meds.

I understand that prescription pills are expensive, but even at $10 a pill we're still talking over 10,000 pills which roughly amounts to 18 per day since he stopped paying. (That IS assuming that he doesn't have some kind of health insurance, which would of course increase the haul.)

The real news here is that even with 18 pills a day if you're a kid-toucher, no amount of drugs can supress that. This is very bad news for the Catholic church.

See what I did there? Simple math.

Kitchen Disasters with Gordon Ramsay!

2007-01-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

I just got an email from the casting department of "Kitchen Disasters" asking if I'd like Chef Gordon Ramsay (Fox's Hell's Kitchen) to come to my restaurant and fix it up.

So, if you are a restaurant owner and you've got yourself a grade A shithole, Chef Gordon will come clean that shit up.

I'm the first person to admit that I have daddy issues, and for one brief, shining moment I considered seeking Ramsay's approval on season 3 of Hell's Kitchen. Now you have the chance to be mocked for more than your occupation, but your entire life's work. Sign up, but if you do... give me a shoutout, and I want Chef's autograph.

As follows:

Have you ever dreamed that CHEF GORDON RAMSAY (FOX's Hell's Kitchen) would come into your establishment for one week and troubleshoot your problems?
No matter what type of restaurant, if you need help, please contact the casting department as soon as possible!
Do any of these apply to you?

- Has your restaurant been open for many years and you are barely covering the bills?
- Are you a first-time owner who sank your life savings into the restaurant and it's not making it?
- Are you an experienced restaurateur and your newest venture is not taking off?
- Are your food costs, liquor costs and staffing expenses too high to survive?
- Are you in a fantastic location and you still don't appeal to the customers?
- Do the Chef, Staff & Owner have differing visions of the restaurant?
- Is the communication between the kitchen and front of house bad?
- Have you tried everything to increase business and nothing helps?
YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS!

If you are passionate about turning your fortunes around, then we would love to hear from you.

Please email the casting department at kitchennightmares@gmail.com with the following information:

1. Name(s) and Age(s) of restaurant owner(s)
2. Location and contact number
3. A photograph of the outside of the restaurant and owner (include a staff photograph if possible).
4. A description of why you need Chef Gordon Ramsay's help

**If selected, you will be compensated for your time**

Trump v. Rosie Continues...

2007-01-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

Trump allegedly wrote a letter to Rosie O'Donnell that essentially taunts her more and more. Pictured left, the letter, presumably from the cat headed mogul himself says that Barbara Walters called Rosie a pig, among other things.

Unfortunately for him, Rosie is beating him in the ratings game. The Apprentice came in a terrible third the other night, and The View is on an uptick.

I think this whole thing is pretty frigging ridiculous. These people have more money than God and they're slapping at each other like a couple of high schoolers.

Britney Just Needed To Hang On a Little Longer.

2007-01-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

It looks like Caesar's Palace is looking to keep the $400,000 that they agreed to pay Britney Spears to get drunk at PURE nightclub on New Year's Eve. Imagine a world where a casino pays panty-less former mouseketeer almost a half a million dollars to basically hang out at the bar. Seems pretty crazy, right?

That's nothing. You're living in a world where a casino offers to pay a panty-less former mouseketeer almost a half a million dollars to hang out at their bar and she can't even get through the night. It has been widely publicized that she "passed out" and had to be carried out of the nightclub by her entourage. According to according to Ben Widdicombe at the NY Daily News, the club is not going to pay her beacuse she left early.

The hits just keep on coming for Brit. First there'e the divorce, then the crotch shots... Now she can't even get paid. Time will only tell what indignities time and tide will allow for the former spank bank prodigy.

Dita Von Manson Says it's Sadistic!

2007-01-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

In some truly shocking news, Marilyn Manson's burlesque pinup wife, Dita Von Teese is seeking to split from the pale rocker because he's a freak. According to Page Six, she wants to serve him with divorce papers citing irreconcilable differences... If she can find him. Marilyn has gone AWOL, he hasn't been in touch since before the holidays.

The two have been together for over 8 years, but only 1 year of marriage. Custody is the question for 2 cats and 2 dogs. If I were the one making that call, I'd let them go with Dita. Better they are ball gagged and dressed in latex than eaten by a goth posse.

I've been on a New Year's bender or two, but none so bad that I wouldn't notice my wife moving out of the house. Here's hoping that everything's alright in the world of Mr. Manson.

Trump Continues Feud with Rosie "Today"

2007-01-04T09:25:00.000-05:00

Trump and his hot daughter Ivanka (pictured, right) sat down for a quick chat with former View co-hag Meri Viera on this morning's Today show. Presumably the time was booked for the Trumpster and the drippy debutante to shill for the premiere of The Apprentice: Los Angeles which is in the can, and heading our way.

In classic (and class-y) form, Today opened the interview with clips of Rosie O'Donnell talking about Don's bankruptcies and marriages, and Don saying Rosie was fat, stupid, and ugly. Viera jumped right out of the gate and asked him the big question about this very public feud.

Rather than take the high road, Donny boy continued to snipe at her. Let me summarize the whole thing this way:

Rosie took a shot at Donald because she was pissed that he "pardoned" Miss Tara Conner for getting out of control.
Donald shot back in a snarky, albeit schoolyard fashion.
Rosie pointed America to a Wikipedia page (rumored to be her own creation) listing some of The Don's failures.
Rinse... and repeat.

It's time to end this. Really.

Donald... if you're reading the Pirate (which I know you do) I have some unsolicited advice (in gold, cause I know that will get your attention):

Stop giving publicity to the loudmouth flannel licker by talking about her. It's free advertising for her lesbian clam bakes and anti-establishment rhetoric. You're worth more than that, don't stoop to that level.

Rosie... I KNOW you love some Angry Pirate, so here's some for you (in pink, cause I've heard you like it for some reason):

There's no reason to continue this, because all you're doing is helping Trump promote his show. Keep up the good work with the gay cruises and your advocacy for family rights, don't stoop to that level.

Done and Done.

Happy F-ing New Year!

2007-01-03T09:50:00.000-05:00

To the one and a half people that read this blog, I want to say this:

Stop calling me TOPHER!

Nah, I'm just kidding. I really mean:

Happy F-ing 2007!

Which that is pretty much what Vanessa Minnillo (AKA Nick Lachey's DNA bucket replacement for Jessie) said live on the MTV airwaves on New Year's Eve. You can see the actual f-bomb almost live, right here:

She's pretty hot, and pretty drunk. Put that on TV and you've got ratings gold.

Unfortunately about 15 people watch MTV's New Year's Eve programming, and most of them are already making out or playing spin the bottle by that time of the night. (9 pm) You can't waste time watching TV when Timmy's dad could come downstairs at any minute. (And just so you know... That Haylie Smith is the biggest ho-bag in the sixth grade... Seriously, you better get yourself checked out) If you had been watching instead of trying to touch a boobie for the first time, you might have noticed that glittery bitch on TV saying the bad word that daddy says when mom won't bring him the meatloaf.

Actually, I'm glad that someone misses the Pirate. Posting here is my New Year's resolution. Well that, and touching a boobie for the first time. Damn Haylie Smith.

Borat Frat Boys Lose It Again.

2006-12-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

The two idiots who sued Sasha Baron Cohen and the producers of Borat have lost their case to have their scene removed from the movie.

The fools allegedly were approached about being in a film. When they agreed, staffers supposedly took them to a bar, and got them loaded. After signing a stack of papers, they were loaded again. This time into an RV with a driver and set loose to pick up the titular hitch-hiker.

According to the embarassed frat boys, they were told that the papers were only waivers about riding in the RV, and not contracts for their appearance in the film. Also, they believed that their fraternity and school would not be identified. Much to the merriment of both, they were.

Even though the boys claim that it was the booze that was behind their racist, sexist and downright HI-larious ramblings, they didn't have a leg to stand on. So, the judge slapped the case down like a $2 ho.

Papa Joe will Sell Jessica for 10K.

2006-12-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

Papa Joe "Mad Dog" Simpson is offering publishers a once-of-a-daytime opportunity to have some great product placement. For 10,000 USD, Jessica will supposedly be shot reading your magazine in an upcoming movie.

Even though the film has product placement gurus working on similar issues. According to the source, the 10 K check to Joe will get you in the door too.

A special note to all you students out there: For 15k, Jessica will do your master's thesis for you. Though I have no idea what a 4 page paper on the art of blowing bubble gum bubbles and record producers will get you...

"I have no idea what that is, but ah wahnt it."

Tina Fey on Paris Hilton

2006-11-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

While the title of this post may be a fantasy of many people, it obviously isn't to Tina Fey. This morning the spunky brunette hottie came into do an interview with Howard Stern. She was very funny and upfront about everything including some behind the scenes gossip on SNL. One of the things that she said was something we totally agree on.

Paris Hiton is stupid.

But there are some interesting snippets of conversation. Fey said early on "Paris Hilton looks like a tranny. Her hands are as big as your entire arm elbow to fingertip."

Nail. On. The. Head. In addition, she talked about the clumps of hair that they found in the hallway from Paris' "cheap weave" and all of the dumb ideas and stuck up crap that went on that week.

Watch 30 Rock tonight on NBC. Even though I'm not a huge Alec Baldwin fan, I have to say he is incredibly funny on the show. Tina Fey has done a fantastic job with it.

A Crowd of Naked People...

2006-11-14T10:52:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, lucky viewers of the Tyra Banks Show will be treated to an early April Fool's gift. (If you're into it, and you're looking for early shopping ideas for April Fool's gifts, I'm a big fan of giving STDs or drug paraphanalia and a prank call to the cops.) Anyway, back to the less violent African American panty model...

Members of Tyra's studio audience were forced to endure the show in their underwear. Curiously enough, the majority of them (if not all) are reportedly hot. The topic of the show? What "normal" people are wearing under their clothes. For a moment, let's imagine that the audience isn't packed with compensated actors and models who are agreeable to sitting in a cold TV studio in their drawers...

Normal people's underwear is a frightening thing.

Look around the average city bus, and tell me that you want to see any of them in their tighty-whiteys. OK, there's that one girl, but she won't even look your way since you gave her that Halloween card with a lock of your hair inside of it.

John Lovitz is Cool.

2006-11-02T10:23:00.000-05:00

"I really loved your work on Mom and Dad Save the World, can I kiss you?"

"Only if you put your nipple on my hand"

"Of course. I just wanted to tell you that you're very funny."

"Madam, tell your friend to go away. Her tits are saggier than mine."

"That's not very nice."

"Neither is gravity. Now come to my hotel room. "

Or maybe there was just awkward topless small talk... I don't know for sure. Either way it's very cool that when you're famous, naked women come up to you. Even when you don't have a dollar bill in your teeth...

"Eat fresh!"

A Moment of Silence for Ryan and Reese...

2006-10-30T14:41:00.000-05:00

The marriage is reportedly over. One of the hottest couples in Hollywood is breaking up. My Cruel Intentions fantasies are at an end. Leave me to weep.

Desperate, For Her Pictures Back...

2006-10-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

In a teaser interview for what is sure to become the next big Internet scandal, a waste hauler has confirmed that Marcia Cross is indeed a redhead.

According to Rush & Molloy, the garbage man has found over 200 pictures (many nude) of the Desperate Housewife in her trash, and is meeting with Internet promoters to get the most bang for his buck. Similarly to what happened earlier this year, when the promoter offered to sell Paris Hilton the contents of a storage locker that she had stopped paying for, Ms. Cross is being offered the opportunity to procure her nude images for an undisclosed sum. The sum is based on the fact that the same guy also has found a copy of her tax return from the same trashy source.

This is more upsetting to me than it probably should be. As a guy with a digital camera, I am constantly reminded that I can't use it in the way that God intended, because and I quote... "They might end up on the Internet or something." Listen up guys. It's time to stop trying to get the most cash out of those naked pictures and start doing what's best for society as a whole. No more holding naked celebrities hostage. We need to band together and start a secret network to store all of these images, so they can be free to any creep that wants them.

Someone get Al Gore on the phone...

Nicole Ritchie is Skinny.

2006-10-27T10:24:00.000-04:00

Nicole Ritchie thrust herself into the spotlight as the stumpy sidekick of Paris Hilton in The Simple Life a Hollywood eternity ago. Once people such as myself, but with far higher readership started calling her things like "stumpy" and "sidekick", she went to great lengths to lose a grotesque amount of weight.

Yesterday, she checked herself in to a hospital for undisclosed reasons. But E! News got a statement from her reps, "She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition...".

She's going to a specialist to learn how to gain weight. Supposedly. 80% of America is agonizing over how to lose it. I think all of us could tell her the answer. Eat something, and then don't throw it up.

Anna Nicole is Unfit for the Bahamas.

2006-10-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

Politicians in Bahamas are working hard to send Anna Nicole back to California.

According to them, she is unfit for the islands. There's an interesting caveat in Bahamian law which allows people who are of good character AND can afford to buy a $500,000 home without needing employment in the Bahamas to be eligible for citizenship. Essentially a "Rich People Come Spend Your Money Here" clause. I'd be willing to bet that this is one of the first times that the morality clause has been busted out in a long time. I remember a house on Grand Bahama Island with 10 garages and gun parapets that was the known home of a major drug lord. Apparently he was OK.

This is the set of islands that host thousands of drunk boob-flashing college students every spring. The island that has casinos and bars where you can get drunk and laid every night. Essentially it's my kind of place.

I'm not saying that I disagree with the Bahamian politician. Anna Nicole is an alleged drug-addled gold digger, and a joke on heels. As far as I'm concerned she should be deported to an island somewhere. But who would have thought that they would have sent her back.

Just in Time for Halloween: Tara Reid Talks About The Franken-nipples.

2006-10-25T16:00:00.000-04:00

This morning on 'The Today Show', the formerly cute now somewhat beat up star of the 'American Pie' trilogy and seemingly perpetually drunk E! star talked about her boobs.

Many of us may remember the pictures from a year or so ago when her dress fell down and the world was treated to her unensconced ta-ta. The nipple was so malformed that it got the nickname "Franken-boobie".

At the time the Reid-ster vehemently denied getting implants. After a national eye-roll, she was banished to basic cable. I mean, it wasn't too hard to see the inflation, even without seeing the proof of an obviously recently reattached nip.

"It looked like I got completely butchered up," Tara the Tittie told 'Today'. "The areolas ... they looked like goose-shaped eggs." Reid also described the excruciating pain caused by her liposuction. "I got these bumps ... like little golf balls all over my stomach, and it hurt."

I wonder what she's promoting, because it's a little bit of a delay to make excuses for, and especially weird on a morning talk-show. I'm all for improving yourself via plastic surgery, exercise, or even via self-help books (*Cough*Tara*Cough*).

But honey, you can afford the good stuff. Why buy your money-makers at Wal*Mart?

Angelina Jolie Won't Get Naked Any More...

2006-10-21T17:29:00.000-04:00

According to Scotland's Daily Record, Angelina Jolie has given up gettin' all nekkid for every other film role. Well... OK, every film role. The reason why she's suddenly so conservative? She doesn't want to embarass her children.

Ever since, the Jolie-Pitt household went all United Nations on us and she's set to adopting and/or birthing a child from every continent, she has kept her pants up. At least on film.

I want to take this opportunity to remind Miss Jolie, that while her intentions are noble there is such a thing as the Al Gore Internets. Even though the blood-vile wearing odd tattoo-covered psycho hottie is all laced up now, her children's horny friends will only be a Google search away from seeing MILF-nip.

Arrested Development on Ebay.

2006-10-20T14:30:00.000-04:00

Arrested Development may just be the best show ever. It's terribly funny and had a quirky pace that resonated with me as well as everyone else with even a basic sense of humor. For some reason, the bastards at Fox felt that the show should be cancelled. Now, you too can own a piece of TV history.

For sale on EBay right now is Gob's Segway Scooter, the knit cap tha Charlize Theron wore in season three, among other things. So for those of you who are hoping to clone Charlize, or even just use the hat as a character in your own version of Happy Wang's Sock Puppet Theatre, you can. For a few hundred dollars.

Other items available include autographed scripts and costume pieces. It's a shame that Arrested Development had to come to EBay auctions, but at least there are ravenous fans out there like me who would love a piece of that crap.

The Auctions if you're interested. You can certainly buy me anything you want.

Habitual Porn Addiction and Scary Babies...

2006-10-18T10:42:00.000-04:00

Today is an Angry Pirate double shot. I don't feel like writing more than a couple sentences about either of these two things, but I did want to say hi to all of you dirty, dirty wenches out in the cyber-tavern.

Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy have a kid on the way. It's nice to see that some of the Spice Girls have settled down and had illegitimate babies just like the rest of us. Since Scary and Ed are two of the freakiest people in lala-land, I'm sure their baby will be a tabloid sensation. I'm looking forward to the little bubala's first word which will most likely be "crack".

The MILF country singer from this season's Dancing With the Stars (mentioned in the previous Angry post) is reportedly getting divorced from her husband of 13 years because of adultery (natch) and habitual porn consumption. It's that last thing that scares me. What kind of a world allows porn consumption as a legit cause for a divorce? If so, you had all better watch your backs... you porn addicted freaks.

Willa Ford Doesn't Play Games.

2006-10-16T22:22:00.000-04:00

I admit it, I watched the first 4 shows of this season's Dancing With The Stars. It wasn't so bad, because some of those dancers are really hot. Also, the majority of them probably need visas. So I could be up in there if you know what I'm saying.

Recently, country singer Sara Evans quit the show while announcing the plans that she was divorcing her husband. Not the best time for a crappy reality dancing show I guess.

The producers of the show asked recently axed musician and faked up Playboy hottie, Willa Ford to return to the show. Apparently, her pseudo-celebrity status fared so well from her first go-round that she doesn't need the positive press that coming back to the show would generate.

At least we've all seen her naked.

Pirates at Disney...

2006-10-14T21:57:00.000-04:00

I'm going to depart from the norm for just a minute.

You see, I'm in Orlando right now and I got a chance to ride the new "revamped" Pirates of the Caribbean ride. With much hullabaloo and pizzaz, Disney announced that the ride had been retrofitted to correspond to Pirates 2. I was pretty excited because I have a nostalgia for the old ride, and I love the movies.

Arrgh, I don't want to burst ye olde bubble, but there isn't much change here. There's a pretty cool effect when you round the first curve with some falling dry ice that looks a lot like a waterfall with Davy Jones' video being projected on it. Just when you think you're going to get wet, you pass right through a talking Davy. Other than that, there are 3 installations of a new Johnny Depp, uh... Jack Sparrow animatronic, which is so much more realistic than the other robots that it almost stands out.

It's still the same old ride though. Johnny head creaks out of a barrel, and later sings with a parrot... But other than that not much else has changed.

Boo to that, I say.

Happy Tom Cruise Day!

2006-10-09T20:26:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise was recently awarded with his own holiday in Japan. By Xenu! The stars have finally aligned and the evil alien overlords are sure to be defeated. It's a good thing that his thetin levels are near perfect, almost like his faaaaaabulous smile.

Wait a second, what am I saying?

The shrimpy studio refugee was awarded this holiday by the equally shrimpy country because of his love for and close association with Japan... Which he can't help because he's 5'2 or some shit, and so is the entire country. Essentially, he made a movie about a ninja or some shit that grossed about $15 back in 2000-something. Oh yeah, and he rode a bullet train when he was promoting the last Mission: Impossible movie which made about $20.

Hallmark is gonna have a field day with this one. Happy Tom Cruise Day cards are going to be all the rage in Tokyo. My brother in law loves the ones with the glittery aliens and the fuzzy Katies.

Jessica Has No Problem Being Runner-Up...

2006-10-06T09:31:00.000-04:00

It has been widely speculated that Jessica Simpson and singer John Mayer were knocking boots at some point during the summer. I think there was even a story in People. There was a breakup before there was even an up to break.

It seems just the other day John Mayer was sliming around the lounge at the Four Seasons. According to TMZ, he struck out with at least one hottie (asking her up to his room to "talk") before sidling up to the bar, and Jessie Simpson. Never one to ignore the chance at another swing, the two jumped in the elevator and "talked" the night away.

It's good to see that Simpson gets the opportunity to bump uglies every now and again, I'm sure the stress of promoting her new movie Employee of the Month has her ready for some relaxing action. I'm also pretty sure that Mayer probably bangs like his music... Slow, whiny and confusing.

And there was KFC and Cider...

2006-10-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

The pictures of Anna Nicole Smith-K-Stern frolicking in the surf with her new "husband" are real. She hasn't even buried her son, and she's bounding in the surf with the douche-du-jour, lawyer and pussy-whip Howard K. Stern.

I am willing to allow her the opportunity to have a little fun in her grief. I'm Irish, we use death as an opportunity to get drunk and fight. But grieving mothers rarely get married and giggle in the ocean before the funeral of their sons.

This woman has been drunk and/or high for the majority of her life... It would seem that being a new mother hasn't slowed that down a bit. It definitely didn't stop her from getting married this weekend on a boat in the Bahamas. To celebrate, the lucky guests had champagne, cider and you guessed it... KFC.

Look up White Trash in the dictionary... She'll be there.

Eva is Back On the Market.

2006-10-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

After her boyfriend was seen canoodling with his ex-girlfriend at a club in NYC, Eva Longoria gave him the boot. You've gotta think that something was up in advance of club-gate 2006... Either that or she is the most insecure woman in LA.

I wonder what things were really like with them. Every other day, she was in the media talking about how CRAZY their sex life was. She was all bondage this, dirty sanchez that... And now... poof, she gives him the heave ho. Emphasis on the latter.

Tony Parker is an NBA player, so basically he has a free pass to just about any set of panties in the United States and parts of Mexico. So she had to be doing something right to keep him tied down. After all, without a stylist and makeup, she looks like this:

Ashlee Opens Up...

2006-09-26T21:53:00.000-04:00

Ashlee Simpson opened in 'Chicago' on London's West End. According to quotes, she really identifies with murderous, and fame-hungry Roxie Hart, whom she now plays 8 times a week.

Fame hungry yes, but murdering... perhaps just the theatre. Think of this as vindication for her SNL lipsyncing flub. There she is eight performances a week with nothing but a wireless mic on her hairline and a high-end theatrical soundboard at the other end. Sure there's no crying in baseball, but there's also no faking it in the live theatre.

Ever since she went under the knife, it's entirely possible that she is now the sexy Simpson. Now with the legit theatre turn, she might even be the talented Simpson. I'll bet OJ is pissed that she's playing Roxie Hart, because now... she's the murdering Simpson too. But he's still the best, I mean hell... He got away with it.

Mario Lopez is Dating That Girl.

2006-09-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

According to US Weekly one of the couples on Dancing With the Stars is dating, and it isn't Jerry Springer and Vivica A. Fox.

Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff are reportedly dating each other, which may account for some of the steam on the twice weekly sweaty dance show. This is very good news for Lopez, who is still the object of lust for every girl who grew up in the late 80's. Karina, as long as they manage her gi-normous forehead, is very hot.

Mario is having a bit of a career upswing, but he's no Mark-Paul or Tiffany-Amber. Those two are making a killing doing appearances at local auto shows. Even Dustin Diamond is doing Howard Stern. Poor Mario was relegated to making cameos on crap VH1 shows like 'What happened to the 80's' and 'Extra'.

So now Mario is back on TV, and he's dating a hot dancer. Obviously, the latin lover of teen sitcoms has sold his soul to the devil. Well, whatever it takes, man.

Clay Aiken Takes It...

2006-09-20T13:51:00.000-04:00

Paxil, that is. On a recent publicity tour to promote his new CD, Gay Claiken has been confronting a lot of hard issues. For the most part, none of them have been penises.

First and foremost, he is lowering his defenses about that whole "gay" issue. Instead of denying it, he's now telling People that no one would believe him if he denied it. That's half way to Lance Bass-town. It's only a few more steps to Liberace-Land. Unfortunately he isn't comfortable enough in his own skin to live openly, but I don't hold that against him. He is one of the few people who have been threatened with a lawsuit (from crazed fan "Claymates") if he comes out.

In other non-news, the AI runner-up tells Good Morning America that he takes Paxil to combat depression. Several factors contribute to his doping up, including being bullied and the death of his father. Apparently this combination of pre-requisites (while applicable to at least 60% of America) is carte-blanche for meds without therapy, because Clay does NOT want to see a shrink. I guess Tom Cruise can't win them all. I always say that the best therapist is a bottle of Jack Daniels anyway.

Unfortunately for Clay, a therapist might actually help him along the path of self-realization. For now though, we'll have to be content with the emotionless glazed-eye closeted reality TV castoff.

Liz Is On the Edge

2006-09-19T10:01:00.000-04:00

The cauldron over at 'The View' is about to boil over.

The concept is simple. Throw 4-5 of television's biggest mouthed, overly opinionated women into a fishbowl and shake. Earlier this year, Star Jones-a-the-Hut was canned in a rather loud PR move to soften the image of the show and Meri Viera moved over to the Today Show. This left producers with a very large void to fill.

What woman fits the above criteria and is large enough to fill the spots at the table formerly occupied by Star Jones AND Merideth? None other than Rosie O'Donnell. The former queen of nice with the blue state snarl has been on the show for a couple of weeks now.

Pretty pixie Elisabeth Hasselbeck (formerly of 'Survivor') has been the sole voice of the heartland on this decidedly metro show for years now. Many people have a problem with Hasselbeck, because she is employed solely to provide an opposing viewpoint to the other beasts at the table who are all quite liberal in their politics. I don't ALWAYS agree with her, but I have to admire her for being the sole voice of opposition against those foaming monstrosities. Showdown Rosie/Liz is in full swing, and apparently Liz is feeing the emotional weight of the conflict. According to 'biz gossip, 'liz has been weeping frequently when the cameras stop rolling.

From her "just to be different" coffee mug, to her griping about not being the "boss", Rosie is proving over and over that she has to stand out. Even though she had the space of two women to fill, she still doesn't fit in.

The Battle of the Axes

2006-09-18T10:47:00.000-04:00

Spunky empire builder Rachael Ray is about to launch her syndicated talk show, which includes a 360 degree spinning audience and much ballyhoo.

File under HI-larious: 4 Martha Stewart staffers were ejected from the audience of a RR taping after being recognized by studio security who happens to moonlight over at Studio Stewart. Obviously Martha is looking for the inside scoop. So I thought I would take a pass at the scoring in a Martha/Rachael battle royale. Fuck Kitchen Stadium, the real challenge today is cat fighting domestic divas.

So Rachael is the new thing in town, which in the TV business means decent numbers as long as she doesn't totally suck.

Rachael 1, Martha Stewart 0.

She may not be model pretty, but Rachael is waaaaaay hotter than Martha and has been in FHM seductively licking cream and chocolate off of various pseudo-phalluses.

Rachael 2, Martha, 0.

Uh oh, it looks like the icy domestic diva is trailing pretty heavily. But Martha has a billion dollar empire with magazines, products, TV, satellite radio, and and a more established resume which includes being able to make a toilet seat out of a pumpkin and some spackle.

Rachael 2, Martha, 1.

Martha's production company is called "Martha Stewart Omni-Media" as in omnipresent. Yeah, like God. Rachael is being produced by Oprah.

Rachael 3, Martha, 1.

Ms. Ray's catch phrase is "Yum-o" . Ms. Stewart's catch phrase is "It's a good thing". Both Lame. Draw.

Martha has done hard time, so she can kill a bitch.

Rachael 3, Martha, 2.

Unfortunately for Martha, just like the merangue on a perfect Baked Alaska or John Travolta... Rachael may come out on top. Yum-o.

Scarlett Will Never Lose Her Curves

2006-09-15T10:13:00.000-04:00

"I try to stay fit and eat healthily, but I'm not anxious to starve myself and become unnaturally thin,"

So says the delicious Scarlett Johannsen, who was talking recently about body image and what the fashion industry and Hollywood tend to promote.

"I don't find that look attractive on women and I don't want to become part of that trend. It's unhealthy and it puts too much pressure on women in general who are being fed this image of the ideal, which it is not."

I have to agree with her. The Kate Moss thing is so 1996. We need to move to a decade of fit hotties with big boobs. Just like... uh.... Scarlett. Really, it's a win/win situation for everyone. Women shouldn't have to starve themselves, and the world's average bra size will increase exponentially.

Seriously though, people need to be happy and healthy. A pop culture that embraces a look that is only achieved through eating disorders is unhealthy and wrong. I'll take Scarlett or Jessica Biel over Keira or Kate Moss any day.

Anna Nicole's Son.

2006-09-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

I would be a really heartless bastard if I made fun of the death of a pseudo-celebrity. So even though I am a heartless bastard, I will still pass on this one because there is just so much damn intrigue.

If you don't know about this, get back under your rock. But you can think about this on your way there. Anna Nicole Smith gave birth about a week ago in Nassau, Bahamas. Three days later, her 20 year old son was found dead in her hospital room. The first thing that comes to mind is drug overdose, some toxic substance, or murdering candy stripers.

TMZ.com is saying that there is a clue to his death in the flight to the Bahamas, and the crew is being interviewed. Unless one of them put strichtnine in the guacamole, it looks like the signs might be pointing towards alcohol poisoning of some kind. Is there such a thing? How many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels does it take to kill a guy? I once had about 8 of them on a flight from Heathrow to JFK, but all I got was a headache.

There's a coroner's inquest scheduled in October. I'm sure there will be more information coming soon.

Aniston is Best Dressed

2006-09-13T17:47:00.000-04:00

People Magazine has released its list of Best Dressed Celebrities. Topping the list is Mrs. Vaughn herself, Jennifer Aniston. Those who voted for her (by a whopping 54% of the vote) cited her "impeccable taste" and brand loyalty.

Wait a second... BRAND LOYALTY? What is this an undergraduate marketing course?

The top five is as follows:

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Halle Berry
3. Jessica Alba
4. Beyonce
5. Eva Longoria
...

That's very similar to a list that I have. It has nothing to do with being best dressed, or even dressed at all. I think it's possible that this list is ranked by the number of times your cleavage has been exposed to the world. Impeccable taste, my ass.

Oops? She Did It Again.

2006-09-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

Lohan's snooch has been getting more exposure than Kodak this week. Here we are just a couple of days from the first North American hairless beaver sighting at the Venice canals, and we're "treated" to another viewing of the "goods". And by "goods" I mean, "bads".

Poor Lindsay used to be cute. I think that it's entirely possible that Herbie the Love Bug runs on hot instead of fuel. That bastard Volkswagen must have sucked all of the hotness from her. Once the movie wrapped, all the world was left with was a shriveled husk of frecked gin salts.

Don't get me wrong. I would rather see a picture of this than many crime scenes or anything involving David Hasslehoff. That being said, this is the first picture of a naked woman that has made me feel like I have to take a shower.

Welcome to the Club, Paris.

2006-09-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

Part of me really wants this to stick.

Early this morning, Paris Hilton was arrested for driving while intoxicated. The dizzy debutante was driving erratically in Hollywood and a DUI Taskforce took her down. After failing the roadside test she was (presumably) handcuffed, and taken in to the police station.

Now for average joes like you or me, this would begin a terrible process that can take over a year or two and cast a permanent shadow over your life. There are several court appearances, mandatory classes, addiction evaluations, and all other manner of flaming hoops that are designed to embarrass and make you never want to drink again. Then, every time you fill out a background check or job application you have to answer "yes" to "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?".

For celebrities, it's generally a bit easier. They go to court with a celebrity attorney and end up with a slap on the wrist. Sometimes they have to cut a PSA for NBC's 'The More You Know' or some other weak shit. It reminds me of when I was an RA, and the worst punsihment that we could come up with for the kid who shit in the shower stall was that he had to make 3 posters.

I don't want anyone to have a hard time, but if your name is Paris Hilton and you have basically spent life with a silver spoon, chances are I'm not rooting FOR you.

Lohan's Moose Knuckle and the Canals of Venice

2006-09-06T15:25:00.000-04:00

You know that I was going to be all over this like crazy on Tom Cruise. Lindsay Lohan (star of one of my guiltiest pleasures Mean Girls, and general Hollywood ho-bag) flashed her cooter to the world yesterday.

Linds is slutting around Europe to promote her new movie Bobby. This picture comes to us from the canal docks of Venice, Italy. People who have spent a hot, still day in the Italian city know that the stench can be overwhelming at times. Lohan, never resisting a challenge, decided to give those pesky canals a run for their money.

Leaving her panties to rot on the hotel room floor or the CDC petri dish (whichever comes first) Lindsay strutted her stuff to the publicity event. With nothing but air and a but of breezy fabric seperating the world famous firecrotch from the prying lenses of the paparazzi she entered the race. While the Venice canals had the very slight edge aroma-wise, Ho-han clearly won the competition for channel width.

Lohan Birth Canal 1, Venice Canal 1.

Johnny Depp is Really Cool.

2006-09-01T16:08:00.000-04:00

Or he has the best publicists in the world.

I've long said that I think that Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors of our generation, if not all time. Just spend a day and watch Edward Scissorhands, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Finding Neverland. At the conclusion, tell me that it was the same actor starring in all three movies. It's almost hard to believe.

There is something about the combination of talent and charm that makes me really respect Johnny Depp. It has been noted in the past that he is one of the best H-wood celebs when it comes to autograph signing. But looking at this paparazzi shot of Depp doing something that your average local newscaster would deny really makes me feel good about the fact that there are still some real people in L.A.

Billy Bush is an Idiot.

2006-08-28T13:09:00.000-04:00

I give Jeremy Piven some credit for calling out Billy Bush on the Emmy red carpet last night. When Bush was interviewing J-Piv, he just wouldn't let go of questions about celebrity babies. What Ari's Alter-ego has to do with celebrity babies (other than possibly being the father of several non-celeb tots) is beyond me.

Finally Piven laid it out on the line. And this is where he and I disagree. He said,

"You need another job. You have potential as a human being, this may not be right for you."

Billy Bush has potential to be a door stop. That's about it.

'Prison Break' Season Two

2006-08-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

Prison Break had its second season premiere last night on FOX. I was hooked on this show last season. It had tension, violence, and just enough humor to keep me onboard. (Not to mention an actor or two that have graced the stage of the theatre that I work at.)

There was certainly alot going on. About halfway through the episode, I was pissed off. I could easily predict every move that was coming. (Especially the red herring storage facility.)

They were redeemed by a shocking scene in which one of the main characters was undeniably killed off. I could sort of see it coming, but they way it happened was quite a suprise.

My only hope is that there is more of the latter this season. I hate predictable TV.

Some Day My Prince Will Come...

2006-08-15T11:07:00.000-04:00

Best. Picture. Ever.

The young British princes Harry and William have spent the majority of their lives behind tall walls and guards with funny hats. So it makes sense that when they get out to party, they're gonna live it up.

Everyone in this picture is so delightfully drunk, it almost makes you yearn for the day when you got hammered and made bad decisions like manhandling some waitresses boob for the camera. I call it Tuesday.

To me one of the funniest parts (for there are many) of this picture is that the chick who is having her tit groped looks alot like Prince William in drag. Just look behind her. Prince Fruity Cosmoboy is making the exact same face is Miss Implant McGropedAlot.

If I were the Prince of England, there is no way I would have my hand on top of that woman's breasts. I would have my junk between them.

"In Special Honor of Her Freckled Puss."

2006-08-14T09:35:00.000-04:00

Paris' posse is at it again.

Stop. Read that again. It's like one of those email forwards that shows how the brain just assumes crap, and fills in the blanks. Nope. The word is "Posse", as in "gang of friends or criminals". Though it could probably go either way. Of course, so could Paris.

So anyway...

Remember back forever ago, say last month when Brandon Davis was all bloated, drunk, and red-faced walking down the street screaming about how Lindsay Lohan has a "firecrotch", and various other anti-Redhead/anti-Lohan sentiment. Paris giggled like a moron and Brandon ended up in rehab.

Cut to two days ago. Paris, Brandon, and the rest of the clueless crew were at "In and Out Burger" (which I thought was slang for Paris' hoo-ha, and not an actual restaurant) when Team Firecrotch struck again.

This time, the lead offender was Hilton's record producer Scott Storch. According to the group they were out celebrating "Firecrotch Day", which if you were wondering is August 11th. (I'll send you a card next year.) The coup de grace of this rant had to have been when the paparazzo asked if the bright red interior of their car was done especially for Lindsay. Storch replied, "Yes we did, in special honor of her freckled puss."

Witnesses say that Brandon, fresh out of rehab, was seen quietly slinking back to his own car while this diatribe was ongoing. It looks like Team Firecrotch might just burn someone else this time.

Then Again, There Was Anger.

2006-08-10T10:58:00.000-04:00

I sat in front of the television screen this morning with goosebumps. Watching the U.S. Secretary for Homeland Security Michael Certoff detail how insane extremists were planning on killing thousands of innoncent people by constructing bombs aboard passenger aircraft made me stir with a range of emotions I rarely feel at the same time.

First, there was awe.
I was amazed that there are people in the world who want to do blind harm to others. It can't be in the name of religion. The masses assembled on aircrafts flying overhead are of all races, religions, and creeds. Why these psychos want to blow up planes is beyond me. But I still have to tremble knowing that there are these people in the world. And you and I are their targets.

Then, there was anger.
Why are we their targets? What have you or I ever done to them? In another time or place we could have been born their brother or sister. We are being persecuted because of where we live, and barely that. These are angry, random acts that are being planned and those who seek to perpetrate them must be hunted, questioned, and killed.

Then, there was sadness.
I am brought to near tears for those who could have been hurt by these madmen. Sadness in that we can never be free from fear that there are those among us that want to do us harm. These aren't robbers or thiefs. These are murderers. They are insane, mass murderers who want to kill us. Why is the world like this?

Then, there was determination.
They have to be stopped. But we cannot stop. These lunatics deal in fear. Their primary objective may be to kill, but their leaders want the other effect... Terror. The economy shutting down, the transportation infrastructure grinding to a halt, people living half lives. They can't win. Book those flights, don't be afraid. We are protected. Don't play into their hands.

Then again, there was anger.

NYC Star Map... Muhahahaha.

2006-08-08T10:39:00.000-04:00

Because I am a nosy bastard... I have to use the Al Gore Internets to cull as much useless information as possible about celebrities that interest me.

NY Magazine has been using real estate information, public records, and several little birdeys to locate hundreds of NYC's most elusive celebrity denizens.

Apparently this star map is somewhat controversial, because of the current stalker/paparazzi happy environment. That is a load of horseshit, because any idiot with Google can find this same crap out if they have the inclination.

It is safe to say that the lower west side, in a corner of the village near the piers, is perhaps one of the hottest blocks known to man. Now it's known to ALL men.

(Cue maniacal laughter.)

You can read the NY Magazine article and get the map: here.

J-Love's Getting Back...

2006-08-07T11:18:00.000-04:00

I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is incredibly hot. I always have. In my opinion the three most attractive things in the movie Heartbreakers are JLH, The Breakers Hotel, and the end credits.

I was sad to read that little Miss Hewitt may be at the beginning of a dangerous trend. Images snapped of her the other day show a bit of hip girth that makes me want to cry. Just a little bit. Ever so slightly.

For the disclaimer, I am in no position to give anyone shit about their weight. I have to go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, and eat oatmeal two meals a day to prevent myself from Gilbert Grape-rag-on-a-stick style fatness that would ruin my life. Genetics suck.

I love real women so these pictures aren't a deal-breaker for us, Jen. But just be careful, hun. Hollywood is a fickle mistress.

Willis' Entourage Has Drama Too...

2006-08-03T09:31:00.000-04:00

A big Hollywood star hires a childhood friend to do a ho-hum job while he lives in his mansion and hangs out with his friends. The friend decides he wants more than that, and turns around and stabs the star in the back.

Sound like a page from HBO's Entourage?

It isn't. This is happening to Bruce Willis right now. Apparently he hired a childhood friend to "organize private family photographs, videotapes, DVDs and films depicting Willis and his family members." When Willis had to fire the friend, the guy struck back.

Apparently, while living in Bruce's house with access to the Willis/Moore multimedia treasure trove, he got the idea to write a book and hang on to some choice pics. It's currently being shopped around to publishers, say sources. The "author" will cease and desist he says, for $100,000 and a new car. Bruce has fought back, filing court papers to stop the ex-friend's extortion.

All I know is that I've already seen Demi Moore naked. I've watched Bruce's movies. Anything I could want to see of him and his family, I have already seen. It does make me wonder what's in there though... Perhaps pictures of him and Lohan in flagrante delecto?

New Horror Movie 'Pulse'-poor.

2006-08-02T18:29:00.000-04:00

I am a big fan of Kristen Bell.

She's most often recognized for her titular portrayal of Veronica Mars, however I've been with her since her NYU days and the musical Reefer Madness. Aside from being fantastic at looking good, she's also a terrific singer and quite the actress.

I have been looking forward to the upcoming horror film, Pulse because Kristen's bells are sure to be prominently featured in this her big-budget star turn. Unfortunately, the film may not be as big-budget as I had anticpated.

According to Ms. Bell, producers cut corners on the film, in the critical are of feeding the cast and crew. "The craft service was only peanuts and coffee the entire time. We would bring food for the poor crew," she said.

Oh well, maybe next time.

Jackhammered is out... Lesbian A*s Licking, VERY IN.

2006-07-31T13:01:00.000-04:00

So every year, some lucky (very polite, certainly) Canadian guy gets to determine just what "obscene" material is allowed into the country.

This year's list is published on TheSmokingGun. For some reason, Extreme Torture 31: Beautiful Girls in Serious Pain is allowed in, whilst Extreme Torture 36: Beautiful Girls in Serious Pain is not permitted in the country. Apparently somewhere between 31 and 36, they crossed the line. I think it was probably when the girl in nip clamps ate her french fries without gravy that did it.

But aside from frivolity, how chapped is that lucky canuck's girlfriend Rosey Palm? His job is watching porn. Though it doesn't beat the other guy, who's job is stuffing the national beaver.

La Linds is just Bogus...

2006-07-28T17:23:00.000-04:00

According to an letter posted on The Smoking Gun, Lindsay Lohan has been put on warning. The producers of her current film "Georgia Rule" are fed up with her irresponsibility when it comes to her hangovers, tardiness, and no shows on the set.

I am starting a betting pool on Hohan today. The over/under on her vagina falling out, being diagnosed with a new strain of herpes, and getting fired from her current movie is 7 days.

There really isn't much more I can say other than this is HI-larious, and you NEED to read this letter.

Read the letter here.

OK Jess, Better 1... or Better 2...

2006-07-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

Better 1, damn it.

Jessica Simpson and/or her representation are getting bi-polar when it comes to choosing the album cover for her upcoming CD "A Public Affair".

Originally, she had a pretty hot picture of her all strapless and cleavage-y (that's right, I made that a word) with wavy hair and a shimmery appeal.

It seems now, she's replaced it with a "I just got out of the shower, and threw on this T-Shirt" cover, which is meant to evoke a girl next door kind of deal.

I don't know about you, but I like the original one much better. It looks better, says more about the "public" nature of her life, and it's just hotter. And in reality, I think the second one is just a ploy to show her without a wedding ring. It tries to assert her independence from her former husband who's banging lot's of skanks right now. Unlike you.

You Ate the Food, You Drank the Wine...

2006-07-26T11:13:00.000-04:00

So normally I reserve this little corner of the web for some high level discourse about what's truly important in the world. Topics such as stupid celebrities and Paris Hilton's vagina. Today, I take you to trendy NYC to share the story of a dating site hookup that went wrong.

Darren Sherman thought he had struck goldberg when he met Joanne on JDate, a dating website for Jewish singles. The pair went on a date to China Grill, a great restaurant in Manhattan. Apparently that was the only great part of the night.

When Joanne politely declined a second date, the Shermanator started a campaign that would make most credit bureaus blush. He called and left several voicemails at Joannes home and office, several emails, and even called China Grill to try to get them to collect the outrageous debt. Her half of dinner.

Some of my favorite quotes are:

"You ate the food, you drank the wine, Pay your bill."

"Do the right thing Joanne. "

"Sorry things didn't work out. I guess you changed your
mind. Here is my address for the $50 bucks:"

At the following link, you can read (and hear the voicemails) from the whole "saga". It's very amusing to observe firsthand something spinning so far out of control just because someone is petty and a little bit stupid.

More...

Hudson Sees a Lot of C*ck

2006-07-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

Kate Hudson is sick of all of the penises that she has to deal with in her house. According to Kate, "There are two musician friends, English friends of ours, and I have seen their penises one too many times and you're just going, 'Why is it necessary for you to be walking around my house naked?' or 'Why do you think it's funny to flash me your penis?' But they do and it makes them who they are and I love them for it."

So, Kate "loves" them for the fact that they enjoy showing her their schlongs. Something tells me that if I walk up to Kate Hudson and whip out my dong I'd probably end up with an arrest and a restraining order.

But it makes me who I am, and she loves me for it.

Orlando Bloom is Whipped

2006-07-24T09:54:00.000-04:00

So for those of us who watch Entourage for just a tiny slice of what it must be like to be a young Hollywood star on the rise, this situation seems cut right from the playbook.

Three possibilities:

Kate Bosworth is the best lay in Hollywood.
This was set up.
Orlando is gayer than Quiche Lorraine.

NOTE: The part in green is fact, the rest is educated speculation.

Scene: Chateau Marmont, dusk.
Orlando Bloom and unidentifed douchebag sit at a table for two, chatting earnestly.

OB: So how about that Pirates gig, huh?
DB: You were like, so amazing in that film Land-o, so swashbuckling and brawny.
OB: (Wave of the hand) Stop IT! (giggle) I can't believe what they're paying me to sleepwalk through the final few scenes of the third one. It's almost like Hollywood doesn't care anymore.

Attractive brunette model approaches the table, the boys stop and turn.

BM: Hi Orlando, would you care to accompany me to an art gallery party in just a few?
OB: Sorry, the girlfriend wouldn't approve. (looks over at reporter from People Insider and winks)
BM: Who, Kate Bosworth? "The girlfriend?" Please... she was letting Superman poke at her tonsils every night in her trailer on the set of that movie.
OB: OK, hold on... That's not part of the deal, bitch.
BM: Go to hell. This is hardly worth the $20 that your douchebag friend just slipped me on the way to the can. I'm not even going to be identified by name.

Attractive brunette model storms off.

DB: It's OK cupcake, I'll take care of People.
OB: (eyes welling with tears) You are so good to me.

Christina's No-Nos Are Now Lead Free

2006-07-21T12:46:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's a nod to heightened airport security. But Christina says out of respect for her husband, she has finally removed all of her piercings. R. E. S. Pect, bitches. At the height of her skanky period, she went on record saying that she had 12 piercings, including her nips and hoo-ha.

I guess that once you've already banged Christina Aguilera you can take the moral high road. But you can't tell me that he threw her out of bed that month where she looked like a 2 dollar whore.

What the f. is this guys problem? Piercings are supposed to increase sexual pleasure, but he wants her all natural and half as sexual.

If he'd wanted to marry Martha Stewart, he should have. She only has one nipple piercing and she makes one hell of an apple pie.

Oh Danny Boy, The Pipe, The Pipe is Calling...

2006-07-20T09:51:00.000-04:00

The acting gene doesn't run deep in the Baldwin family. Some, including myself, would say that it doesn't run at all... Rather, it drunkenly staggers through the Baldwin family.

For those of you who love the campy John Carpenter's Vampires as much as I do, you'll know that the only thing that detracts from it's fabulous James Woods-iness is none other than Daniel Baldwin. He stumbles through the movie like an even more bloated version of his more famous brother. As you can tell from their suspicious absence from the captions, Danny boy seems to think he can cover up his horrendous lack of acting chops by inserting "fuck" or "fucked" between every other word. All I can say is, "gravitas", Dan, "gravi-fucking-tas".

Seems like Danny, who has had previous brush-ins with the law (including cocaine possession) got really drunk last night and rented a car. Mind you, his license is still suspended from some of his last outings. Cops say he was driving thorough LA weaving at speeds exceeding 80 m.p.h. When he finally stopped, it was because he ran a red light and slammed into two cars. Who knows what his status is, but I personally think that he might be "fucked".

Paris Hilton on Cops?

2006-07-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

I hate Paris Hilton. Even when she doesn't do anything, she annoys me. The other night, according to witnesses, Paris engaged in a car chase with an LA cop.

For whatever reason, the sherriff let her off, claiming that she was "remorseful" for her evasive actions, and oh, by the way... she didn't act intoxicated.

A special note to law enforcement everywhere... if you pull Paris Hilton over at 2 am, she is drunk or high. Possibly both. If you let her off, she will just keep it up... and probably laugh at you behind your back.

Maybe this guy was jonesing for a case of the clap, or was missing a little herpes in his life. He might have been hoping that the hotel heiress would even comp him a night at the Waldorf... Either way, he has now gone on record looking like an idiot. Someone just arrest her, please.

Electra and Navarro No More

2006-07-18T10:02:00.000-04:00

Sexy chick Carmen Electra and hairy chick Dave Navarro have called it quits, according to TMZ.com. The singing and strutting duo were married in 2003, quite uncommercially on MTV via their not so hit show Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen + Dave.

Now that Carmen Electra is back on the market, freaks everywhere are polishing their crazy shoes and getting ready for the hottest date of their lives. Carmen has been through Dennis Rodman, and now Dave Navarro... so if you're a bisexual dude with a penchant for some very wierd shit, just head to LA, and you might have a shot at infamy.

Ms. Electra won't be available on the dating scene for at least a couple of months. She and Paris Hilton will be competing in "Crazy Extreme Petri-Dish Bonanza" on Japanese television. The competition will pair the girls with a scientist and a GYN, whichever team can come up with the most unique combination of skank wins a Dyson vacuum.

Pfeiffer to Sing Again in 'Spray.

2006-07-17T17:13:00.000-04:00

Michelle Pfeiffer has joined the cast of the film version of Broadway hit 'Hairspray'. The cast includes John Travolta in drag, Queen Latifah in sequins, Billy Crystal in plaid, and Amanda Bynes in a schoolgirl outfit.

With this new addition, this movie officially has everything, a couple of hot chicks, a couple of funny people, and a crossdressing scientologist.

I'm excited about the film, because I like the show, but I'm afraid for it's commercial success, because of the recent lackluster performance of other movie musicals such as The Producers and The Phantom of the Opera.

The Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah version of Chicago was such a success that it spawned a new era of movie musicals. Maybe the fact that Hairspray has both Queen Latifah, and no "the" in its title might help it be more successful than some of its predecessors.

How Many Ushers Should Be on Broadway?

2006-07-14T10:17:00.000-04:00

Let me pause to take a break from my normal stream of hypo-hetero posts to talk about one of my not so secret loves. The theatre.

R+B star Usher is set to take on the role of Billy Flynn in the current Broadway revival of Chicago. Billy Flynn has been played by a cacaphony of celebrities and not-so-celebrities including Richard Gere, Wayne Brady, George Hamilton, and dare I mention the late, great Jerry Orbach (of later Law & Order fame). Usher may suprise me, but from what I understand his acting chops aren't Broadway caliber.

In the business this is referred to as "stunt casting". When a producer wants to get attention for a particular show, they will often cast a someone of LA-style or minor TV celebrity in a role. Sometimes this proves successful (American Idol's Diana DeGarmo is heard to be an excellent Penny in Hairspray) other times lukewarm (Julia Roberts' mumbling performance in Three Days of Rain), and more often than not a complete failure (Alec Baldwin in anything).

Basically, I applaud any strategy that will sell tickets to live theatre. However, I personally know about 100 actors who are more qualified for the role than Usher Raymond. We'll have to sit back and wait for the inevitable reviews.

(Since I don't want Usher's abs all up in this blog, I've found a picture of him with a hot girl. Enjoy and proceed as usual.)

Carrot Top is No Ron Jeremy

2006-07-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

According to Lindsay Lohan, redheads are hot in the sack. Well not actually according to her... she's paraphrasing a Playboy book. So, according to Ho-han's interpretation of Playboy in addition to her own, uh, body of work... redheads are firecrackers in the bedroom.

The only reason that I feel it necessary to mention this is that it is an obvious cry for help. Starlets like Eva Longoria, who talk explicitly about their bedroom habits in the media are obviously lacking in something. It's either protein, attention or class. Perhaps a combination of the three. (Though I think we all know Linds gets enough protein in her diet.)

As for redheads being more sexual? My research is mixed. I know some redheads who are total whores. Others are repressed mutants.

As for Miss Lohan's classification, that's up to you. I'll give you a hint though... is sounds like 'door'.

Anna-rexic?

2006-07-12T10:43:00.000-04:00

Tennis star and centerfold Anna Kournikova is denying allegations that she has anorexia, a frighteningly commonplace eating disorder that plagues red carpets and runways worldwide.

She went from this:
To this:

Now I'll let you be the judge. Some might say it's the pose. But let me say for the record, that there is no pose that the top Anna could do that would expose that much bone to the world. Maybe I should rephrase that.

Her defense is to say that her "body is changing", which isn't really a good brush off to the anorexia debate.

I'm all for people looking fit, but when your neck and shoulder line looks like Golden Gate bridge then you might just need to bulk up just a tad. Curves are where it's at.

Portman Goes Full Monty

2006-07-11T10:07:00.000-04:00

Natalie Portman answered the prayers of Key Grips and Best Boys everywhere when she agreed to get all nekkid-like on the set of Goya's Ghosts.

Stripping for the art isn't new to Nat, who went starkers for her strip club scenes in Closer. Unfortunately for the movie going public, she had second thoughts, and director Mike Nichols had to go to B-roll and take a fine razor to ax out any hint of boobie.

In the new film, she plays Goya's muse, who eventually is stripped down and tortured in the name of God. As any good inquisitor knows, the stripping down is essential. Not only does it help in the torturing, but it also helps the box office.

Let's just hope that Port-port doesn't get cold, uh, feet again.

Proof of Life?

2006-07-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

TMZ.com has a copy of "Suri Cruise's" "birth" "certificate".

There are some sort of Scooby Doo style hijinks afoot with this, and the editors of TMZ do a fine job pointing out the inconsistencies.

When they pull the mask off of Xenu and it's really old man Hubbard under there, if he says "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling kid", you owe me a shot.

Because anything else would make me yack, I am including a picture of Kate Noelle Holmes before she was posessed by Satan.

The "certificate" of "birth" is available here.

A Pirate's (Subliminal) Take on 'Pirates'

2006-07-07T13:53:00.000-04:00

Normally I waste your precious time blogging about stupid celebrities (Britney Spears) and the dumb crap that they do (Break babies). But right now, I need to throw up (Nicole Ritchie) a blog about something that I am really looking forward to. (Three chicks at once) I am excited about Pirates of the Caribbean.

I haven't seen the movie yet. Unfortunately for me, I have to pour drinks all weekend (Michelle Rodriguez) to the retarded (Paris Hilton) public, though I'm hoping for some time to see it on Sunday.

Johnny Depp's portrayal of Captain Jack is worth the price of admission, I'm sure. His ambiguously gay (Tom Cruise) and high (Lindsay Lohan) take on the the sea captain is absolutely hilarious (Tom Cruise, again).

I really can't wait for it (Three chicks at once).

See, an entire blog that wasn't about snarky gossip.

Jessica and Zach Sittin' in a Tree...

2006-07-07T11:34:00.000-04:00

OK, I've always been on the fence about Jessica Simpson. Sometimes she looks incredibly hot, then I'll be smacked in the face with a shot where I think it's possible that she has a penis tucked away in there somewhere. I'm not really into manufactured blondes, of ANY kind.

So, my feelings of astonishment and *gasp*, petty jealousy when I heard that she's letting Scrubs star Zach Braff give her court the full press, may be unfounded. Still, I'm confused by my reaction.

I even like Braff. Scrubs is perhaps my favorite sitcom today. So this unnatural coupling should give me solace. A geeky dude with a sense of humor can bag Jessica Simpson. Huzzah! I think.

Just how many pencils is she smuggling in that picture, anyway.

Source

McPhee is Overworked

2006-07-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

American Idol siren Katharine McPhee is falling apart.

According to TMZ.com, the belting beauty has a double dose of bronchitis and laryngitis as a result of her tireless work on her debut album. It's so bad that she missed the first night of Idols Live.

This is really a clutch time for Kitty Kat, because now is her moment to go all Clay Aiken on our asses. Well not exactly. Katharine doesn't want to glaze my man buns. She just wants to sell a lot more albums than the "winner". Katy has the capabilities, look, and power behind her to leave this Taylor Hick in the dust.

So, while the AI money machine isn't too happy and a bunch of fans are disappointed, I wouldn't hold this one against her too much. It is important to turn out a good album, because THAT is what will remain when the tour has played its last arena.

She just has to be careful, because each concert goer is a probable McCD buyer. She doesn't want to alienate them.

"Play Date" or Strategy for World Conquest?

2006-07-05T10:14:00.000-04:00

Kingston Rossdale and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt had their first play date on Independence Day weekend. Normally, I wouldn't take the time to write as much as two sentences about two toddlers hitting each other with expensive toys, but in this case, attention must be paid.

Society needs to be afraid of these two children. If their genetic structures somehow merged, I believe that it would be the beginning of the end for the rest of us, non-superhero humans.

Seriously, let's just strip out the Y-chromosomes for a while... Imagine what would happen if just Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie could concieve a child together? Approximately 18 years later, there would be a world war over who got to be the first to date this specimen of genetic perfection. The "average" people of the world would end up killing each other in battle, and all that would be left are the super hot. Mix in dashes of the talent of Gavin, and the um... Brad Pitt, and you have a genetic milkshake that could create an explosion the likes of which we have never known.

As it stands, these two children are on track to being the hottest people ever. If they have charisma, we are all doomed. Doomed I tell you!!!

No, but seriously... Keep your eye on 2028's power couple. Before it's too late.

Say Goodbye to the Drunk Dial

2006-06-30T16:04:00.000-04:00

Best. Invention. Ever.

I'm serious. Korean phone manufacturer LG is bringing a cell phone to the US market that contains a built in breathalyzer.

It contains a road readiness test, where you blow into it and it tells you if you can drive legally or not.

Best of all though, it has a feature where you can lock out certain numbers in your contacts list if you are blowing over a .08.

Shit, if I had this feature on my phone in college I wouldn't have alienated over 62% of the girls on the varsity soccer team. I KNOW that I would have had a real shot with more of those sweet asses if I could've just kept my drunk mouth shut.

Unfortunately for those of us who still think it's fun to see who can get the drunkest, it doesn't give you a full reading. It just tells you that you're over the limit. Still though, I love it when technology can help prevent me from making an ass out of yourself. Screw Blackberries, THIS is the must have device of the year.

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Eva Longoria is all Wet

2006-06-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

At least Eva Longoria is using her vacation well. In the past couple of months, her and her NBA ball-bouncing beau have been spotted at some of the most wonderful travel destinations in the world.

Look around you. It probably sucks where you are. Take comfort knowing that Miss Longoria is doing cannonballs in Tahiti. Right. Now.

For those of you who checked out when I said Longoria...doing...balls, snap back to reality. Look at your shitty room and or office.

Good. Now that we're all back on the same page we can all bask in how wonderful it must be to have a life of luxury not because you can do something well, like cure diseases or even act. You can jet from Cabo san Lucas to Tahiti, first class of course, just because you're hot.

Now leave me alone. I have a grueling photoshoot to get to.

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Spears Suprised About Her Arkansas Twins

2006-06-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears said that she was "shocked" that she was pregnant a second time. She also admits to being a little bit scared until her husband, the crown prince of white trash told her to "go for it".

The 'it' that he was referring to must have been child and family services, because there is no way in Hell that a second child will survive in Brit-Brit's care.

The gum-chomping faded pop-tart isn't about to win mother of the year any time soon, but this might be the first time I've heard someone saying that their husband saying "let's go for it" as a rationale for not aborting their child.

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American Pie's Lyonne has an Angry Daddy

2006-06-26T11:16:00.000-04:00

Aaron Braunstein, a radio personality and father of American Pie star Natasha Lyonne is angrily threatening would-be gossip hounds if they write about his daughter's purported sighting in NYC.

According to Gawker.com, Natasha was seen looking ill and generally decrepit in Manhattan. The site tagged her as looking, "like she could die at any minute" and "covered in some sort of bad, red rash".

Things haven't been going so well for the actress lately, as she has recently checked into rehab, had a DUI, and a slew of bad press.

Braunstein decided that if he wanted to try to save Nattie's career, the best bet would be to sue Internet authors in an "ugly, expensive manner". Nothing says 'My daughter escaped from the set of the one movie that would have her, hopped the red-eye to NYC, and sought out her dealer for a night of mind-blowing intoxication' like threats of legal action.

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Evangeline Lilly Wants to Be Anonymous

2006-06-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

'Lost' siren Evangeline Lilly is going to grab her backpack and go to deepest, darkest Africa to rediscover her anonynmity according to sources.

All signs point towards Eva looking to not be recognized. Everyone knows that if you are a fairskinned Canadian girl, the best place to go to blend in is Timbuktu or Mongolia.

That might just work.

Victoria Silvstedt Likes 'em Fugly

2006-06-19T16:00:00.000-04:00

According to some pictures found on my favorite celeb blog IDLYITW, Victoria Silvstedt is cheating on her husband with a retarded version of Gilbert Gottfried. In the pictures, she is seen kissing his feet, getting fingerblasted, and being the recipient of the world's nastiest muff dive.

Once I turned "Safe Search" off, I immediately started Googling Vicki, because I have a special place in my heart for her. Hers was the first, and last, Playboy Playmate of the Year video that I ever purchased. I bought it the year I graduated High School. The story just got worse for her, as the evidence started to pile up. Apparently she's been mouthing off alot lately.

According to an interview posted on AskMen.com she thinks that Sven Goran Eriksson (a fellow Swede, and soccer manager, pictured top right) is unattractive. She continues to say that she has no qualms banging a man with "experience over looks". So according to that logic, the guy she is currently allowing to glaze her donut (Pictured bottom right) must have written the Kama Sutra.

I guess there is a bright side to this story. It's a reminder that with enough money and enough... well enough money, any dude can bang a Playmate. If you love blondes with big fake cans and you have and overbite, this Swede's for you.