First Confirmed Case of Dick Cancer from Hotel Lotion

Jamaica, NY                                                                  

The mood in the United Airlines Polaris Lounge at JFK was subdued as many of the Monday morning frequent flier rush quietly cast furtive glances at their fellow travelers and averted their eyes from the scroll at the bottom of the morning news.

The first reported case of Penile Carcinoma (or Dick Cancer) was discovered in Broken Arrow, OK when an unnamed CEO was diagnosed by his General Practitioner.  According to sources, the patient had no history of smoking, alcohol abuse, or excessive sunburns in his medical history.  This cause his physician to consider some deeper testing.

"We noted a baby soft epidermal layer all about the patient's penis and testicles."  Said Oklahoma physician Gale Connors, MD. "In fact his skin was perhaps the smoothest I've ever seen."

Lab testing resulted in several layers of sub-dermal lotion pockets, the result of over 200 nights a year of clandestine post sales dinner buzzed wanking in various Holiday Inn and Holiday Inn Expresses throughout the lower 48 states.  According to physicians, the chemicals in the lotion have fused to the sponge-like tissue in the man's genitalia.

Meanwhile back at the airport lounge there were a few willing to speak with us.

"Listen, I knew it was probably a bad idea to smash so much of that lemony Paul Mitchell body lotion into myself on a nightly basis" said Samsung sales executive Marty Smith, "but it's like Marriott has been enabling me by replacing it every night."

The prognosis is not good for those impacted, as penile amputation is the best course of action.  Three major hotel chains have banned the provisioning of products that can be used as personal lubricants.

In seemingly unrelated news:

• The Wharton School of Business is offering open enrollment for the fall session.
• Female executives have noted a sharp uptick in promotions and bonuses this quarter

Bieber's "Hard Season" Leads Him to Give it Up to the Lord

Magnum PI and a hot young lesbian

Recently Justin Bieber is back in the news after he "took a break" from his "music" to "focus on his "mental" and "emotional" health.  (Visualize some significant air quotes.)  Apparently this involves appropriating Tom Selleck's "Magnum PI" look, which is reason enough for me to want to kick him in the sack.

There are a lot of reasons to hate Justin Bieber.  I shall enumerate here:

1. He's Canadian
2. He spits on his fans (literally)
3. He acts above the law
4. His Talent:Fame ratio is fucked out of whack.
5. Did I mention he's Canadian?

After singing some Gospel music at a place called "Churchome", he posted on Instagram about how his new bro Jesus is getting him through a "Hard Season".  A quick Google of Justin Bieber Hard Season yields a pirate's booty of Lap Rocket that makes me wonder if Just-in Beaver needs more God  in his life or a light round of chemical castration.  Now, I'm not one to talk about another man's Spam Javelin but lets be honest, it is out and about more than the cast of Queer Eye at a Pride parade.

You're Welcome.  Here's a little something for Erryone.

I'm all for someone finding Jesus.  In fact, if you do - let me know where he is - I have a couple of questions about the platypus, Kim Jong Un's hair, and the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby.

A word to the wise Biebs, the church is gonna frown on nude frolic, drugs, and public urination.  So you'd better get your shit together.  And for God's sake, leave Tom Selleck out of this.

Margaret Qualley is Dating Davidson

If chlamydia could walk and talk, it would look like Pete Davidson walking around Manhattan on a hot summer day.  Somehow his penis has seen more Grade A meat than the dry aging room at Morton's Steakhouse.

After sliming his way through the amazing Ariana Grande, Carly Aquino, and MILF-to-the-stars Kate Beckinsale - he's now set his sights on Margaret Qualley.  Maggie isn't a household name yet, so many of you pirate swine may only know her if I tell you she's Andie MacDowell's daughter.  She seems to have inherited her mom's prodigious teeth and gums, which is killer if you are in any form of orthodontia or a particularly capable dental hygienist.  I don't want to be a neigh-sayer (low key horse pun) but I think she's more his speed.  

Clearly the man is some sort of wizard, or perhaps he's toting around trouser tackle of anaconda-like quality (and quantity?).  Someday when the historians look back at this, they will probably assume that there was a shortage of men to date, and this emo bitch was considered a top-notch play.

I wish you much success in your pillaging of another LA brunette who wants to prove something to her parents. 

Is it time? Should we sail again?

I've been thinking about returning to the world of Blogger.   The world has been missing my clever take on B list celebrities, theatre, and boobs. 

Is 2019 ready for the return of the Pirate?   Methinks it may be worth a shot over the bowsprit. 
Release the lines, we are about to get under way.

Golden Globes Roundup

The Golden Globes were last night.  It was boring as shit, and I normally frolic like a school girl during awards show season.

AnnaLynne McCord is wearing a dress that looks like she was being molested by the Pillsbury Dough Boy.	Mariah Carey apparently took the title of the show literally.
Ashley Tisdale was dressed as classily as ever.  I think Hepburn wore that to the ‘73 Oscars.	Sandra Bullock and Jaime Pressly apparently got my emails.
The award for Best Snuggie goes to Jennifer Aniston.	The vein in Molly Sims’ forehead wore Armani.
I love Kat McPhee, but I’m pretty sure that’s a Hefty bag.	Ashley Greene.  Once again, that is all.

So yeah, about Brittany Murphy

There is a mixed bag of reaction on the Al Gore Intrawebs about the untimely passing of actress and oft-anorexic hottie Brittany Murphy.

I have previously copped to loving some lame ass movies, and I will admit that Ms. Murphy has made my DVD shelf on more than one occasion. So, while I don't think you could call me a fan, I definitely was well acquainted with her body of work.

Half of me is not surprised. There were a lot of rumors that she was a crazy drug user, and many people have reported erratic behavior recently. You don't have to be Carl Gauss to put that 2 + 2 together.

Of course, you can't rule out homicide. I think the LAPD should interview Tiger Woods. Just in case, y'know? This is exactly what he needed.

When young people die, it's a horrible depressing thing, and it shouldn't have been her time. She had a lot more crappy romantic comedies and being almost naked to do, and the world would have paid great attention to both.

Lindsay Lohan in 'Muse'

Lindsay Lohan was in my favorite movie of all time. I'm not afraid to admit that Mean Girls was on my weekly playlist for fiscal years 2007 and 2008. Back then she was awesome. Now shes just - some.

I don't know what 'Muse' is. My mates tell me that it's a magazine that takes semi-artistic photos of trashy women. My eyes confirm this.

No more 'spooning for Jake

Good news guys!

Reese Witherspoon is on the market once again. According to various news outlets, she split with Jake Gyllenhaal after "months of fighting".

The star of Brokeback Mountain and the men's room at many a Los Angeles cabaret was "heartbroken" when Reese decided it was time to give up.

What the article doesn't say is what she has given up on. The pirate's thoughts:

• Mysteriously "losing" her pantyhose every Saturday night.
• Stubble in her lip gloss.
• Stress fractures in her high-heels.
• A subscription to Men's Fitness.
  

"Real" Housewives of Photoshop

I don't watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey". In fact, I don't watch any of the "real" housewives shows, preferring to bask in the glow of actual housewives at the local Walmart. That's as real as it gets. You haven't lived until you've seen two older broads fight over a zhu zhu pet. But I digress...

This lady, who is on that show, and who shall remain nameless (because I don't have the energy to go look it up) recently unveiled her nude PETA ad. OK... Look at her, then look at the ad. Do it again.

The woman in the PETA ad looks like Tiffani Amber Thiessen's older (and what we in politically correct circles like to call 'mentally challenged') sister. The woman standing next to the PETA ad looks like a reanimated corpse.

You do the math.

Holly Sampson Golf Project

Holly Sampson is one of the women who is stepping forward to say that she has experienced everything Tiger Woods has to offer. She also happens to be a porn star.

Surprisingly, 'Tiger's Wood' is already in production. Since Vivid lost the race for the best and most obvious title, they went to the next best thing... getting one of the actual women who boned golfnerd.

It would appear from this picture (snapped outside of Vivid headquarters) that production on Holly Sampson Golf Project (the porno title guys had better get moving) is about to begin. How about Woods and Irons: A fantasia on golf & bondage. Too much?

I particularly enjoy the subtlety of the 72 point font, and the perfect placement of that envelope. But I know that there can't be a script in there, so my question of the day: What's in the envelope...

A. 40 sheets of blank copier paper.
B. The "secret" fifth book of the "Twilight" series.
C. A couple headshots and a mini tube of Vaseline.
D. Air.