You Can Dress Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons is going trick-or-treating. You can register online at his website and suggest what he wears. I IMPLORE YOU... Go with something like a wizard or Chewbacca or something else that involves a lot of fabric and or synthetic hair. Beyonce's closet, perhaps.

This one time, I was in the audience of the Late Show with David Letterman and Little Ricky did a run-through. I was on the aisle. His leg brushed me. As I looked down in horror, I noticed that my pants literally had oil on them. A slick that reeked of coconut.

So, you have the power. Cover it up.

God Damn You, Clay Aiken!

It has been reported that Clay Aiken is taking over the role of Sir Robin in the Broadway company of Spamalot. Those of you who are theatrically inclined may remember this as the role originated by David Hyde Pierce.

The only good news here is that Claygay is just about the 10th person to play the role. It's not like he is the second, or even third person don the soiled undergarments of Brave Sir Robin. Between "Fantasia" in The Color Purple and Clay in Spamalot, I'm beginning to think that I need to find a new favorite thing. Broadway is going down the crapper.

Kathy Griffin Takes a Bite out of an Apple

Kathy Griffin is dating Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak.

The D-List celebu-not is recently divorced from her first husband, whom she claimed stole money from her. It's a good thing that you can't steal the funny from a person, because Kathy Griffin has plenty to go around. Or not.


Seriously though, I'm happy for Kathy Griffin.

She's finally netted herself a wealthy man. Even if that man looks like Stephen King and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons had a child.

He's certainly doing us all a service by giving Griffin no reason to do appearances or stand up.

The dude has millions and billions of dollars. But more importantly he is bedding an annoying redhead. The only other person who was so lucky was the last person to bang Carrot Top. Sorry C-top. I meant to call...