Say Goodbye to the Drunk Dial

Best. Invention. Ever.

I'm serious. Korean phone manufacturer LG is bringing a cell phone to the US market that contains a built in breathalyzer.

It contains a road readiness test, where you blow into it and it tells you if you can drive legally or not.

Best of all though, it has a feature where you can lock out certain numbers in your contacts list if you are blowing over a .08.

Shit, if I had this feature on my phone in college I wouldn't have alienated over 62% of the girls on the varsity soccer team. I KNOW that I would have had a real shot with more of those sweet asses if I could've just kept my drunk mouth shut.

Unfortunately for those of us who still think it's fun to see who can get the drunkest, it doesn't give you a full reading. It just tells you that you're over the limit. Still though, I love it when technology can help prevent me from making an ass out of yourself. Screw Blackberries, THIS is the must have device of the year.

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Eva Longoria is all Wet

At least Eva Longoria is using her vacation well. In the past couple of months, her and her NBA ball-bouncing beau have been spotted at some of the most wonderful travel destinations in the world.

Look around you. It probably sucks where you are. Take comfort knowing that Miss Longoria is doing cannonballs in Tahiti. Right. Now.

For those of you who checked out when I said Longoria...doing...balls, snap back to reality. Look at your shitty room and or office.

Good. Now that we're all back on the same page we can all bask in how wonderful it must be to have a life of luxury not because you can do something well, like cure diseases or even act. You can jet from Cabo san Lucas to Tahiti, first class of course, just because you're hot.

Now leave me alone. I have a grueling photoshoot to get to.

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Spears Suprised About Her Arkansas Twins

Britney Spears said that she was "shocked" that she was pregnant a second time. She also admits to being a little bit scared until her husband, the crown prince of white trash told her to "go for it".

The 'it' that he was referring to must have been child and family services, because there is no way in Hell that a second child will survive in Brit-Brit's care.

The gum-chomping faded pop-tart isn't about to win mother of the year any time soon, but this might be the first time I've heard someone saying that their husband saying "let's go for it" as a rationale for not aborting their child.

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American Pie's Lyonne has an Angry Daddy

Aaron Braunstein, a radio personality and father of American Pie star Natasha Lyonne is angrily threatening would-be gossip hounds if they write about his daughter's purported sighting in NYC.

According to Gawker.com, Natasha was seen looking ill and generally decrepit in Manhattan. The site tagged her as looking, "like she could die at any minute" and "covered in some sort of bad, red rash".

Things haven't been going so well for the actress lately, as she has recently checked into rehab, had a DUI, and a slew of bad press.

Braunstein decided that if he wanted to try to save Nattie's career, the best bet would be to sue Internet authors in an "ugly, expensive manner". Nothing says 'My daughter escaped from the set of the one movie that would have her, hopped the red-eye to NYC, and sought out her dealer for a night of mind-blowing intoxication' like threats of legal action.

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Evangeline Lilly Wants to Be Anonymous

'Lost' siren Evangeline Lilly is going to grab her backpack and go to deepest, darkest Africa to rediscover her anonynmity according to sources.

All signs point towards Eva looking to not be recognized. Everyone knows that if you are a fairskinned Canadian girl, the best place to go to blend in is Timbuktu or Mongolia.

That might just work.

Victoria Silvstedt Likes 'em Fugly

According to some pictures found on my favorite celeb blog IDLYITW, Victoria Silvstedt is cheating on her husband with a retarded version of Gilbert Gottfried. In the pictures, she is seen kissing his feet, getting fingerblasted, and being the recipient of the world's nastiest muff dive.

Once I turned "Safe Search" off, I immediately started Googling Vicki, because I have a special place in my heart for her. Hers was the first, and last, Playboy Playmate of the Year video that I ever purchased. I bought it the year I graduated High School. The story just got worse for her, as the evidence started to pile up. Apparently she's been mouthing off alot lately.

According to an interview posted on AskMen.com she thinks that Sven Goran Eriksson (a fellow Swede, and soccer manager, pictured top right) is unattractive. She continues to say that she has no qualms banging a man with "experience over looks". So according to that logic, the guy she is currently allowing to glaze her donut (Pictured bottom right) must have written the Kama Sutra.

I guess there is a bright side to this story. It's a reminder that with enough money and enough... well enough money, any dude can bang a Playmate. If you love blondes with big fake cans and you have and overbite, this Swede's for you.

Hilton Can't Pay the Rent

So poor little Paris Hilton is signing autographs at a promotional event for her new fragrance, (which I'm told smells a lot like night club sweat, weed, and ground up orphan) and some dude wants her to sign a baby picture.

So how did he get this snap of the young 'un? Apparently, Paris put all kinds of stuff including pictures, diaries, and *gasp* videos into a storage facility. When she didn't pay the bill, the owner got ornery, and now is threatening her with the far more lucrative career of opening the cache for the public's eyes only.

This could be way more exciting than King Tut's Tomb or Al Capone's vault. There is evidence in here. The material in this locker could be used to save countless young girls from their impending moral and intellectual vacancy. All we need to do is send Dr. Phil in there first to "research" the stuff, and his book will be the "Don't Raise a Drugged Up Slut" guide for the era.

Spears Shakes Up The Baby World

Britney Spears, who was originally naming a line of baby clothing after her firstborn Sean Preston, has reportedly changed the name of the clothing brand to "Baby Soul Rock 'n' Roll".

There are presumably many reasons that she announced the change. It's possible that she didn't want to commit to the name Sean Preston, when no one (including her) knows how long that poor little kid is going to survive in her care.

Perhaps she's naming the new spawn of Federline "Rock", because we've all seen how Sean Preston likes to "Roll" across the floor after falling out of all manner of ill-orchestrated baby furniture.

Either way, it's amazing to me that the poster child for mandatory moron-sterilization has the cojones to create a line of baby clothes. At least we can all look forward to the series of designer helmets.

Mariah Carey Has A Drinking Problem

It must be nice to be able to bark at someone and have them actually feed you water.

Comeback kid Mariah Carey was photographed with an assistant holding a cup for her while she takes a gulp at a recent record signing. For whatever reason this became a back page news story. Slow news day? Hell yeah.

There are two cases where it is acceptable for someone to feed you water like that. Number 1, you are in a hospital bed, and the "assistant" is a nurse. Number 2, you have no arms, and a straw isn't readily available.

The one thing that bothers me about the story, linked above, is that she tries to spin it by claiming that the reason someone had to water her is that she is just too darn kind to her fans.

Sarah Jessica Parker Begs Not To Be Photographed

The tensions were high on the streets of New York the other day. Luckily the nation was able to breath a collective sigh of relief when paparazzi agreed to stop snapping pictures of horse-faced homebody Sarah Jessica Parker.

Parker was walking with her son when she pleaded with the photogs to leave her alone. Apparently the magic words are, "Could you please not take pictures of me and my child?" And suprisingly, they did. TMZ is explaining this as the "right way" to deal with paparazzi. I personally think that this isn't so sensational. SJP hasn't done anything of substance since the end of Sex and the City. On top of that she has hit the wall hard. She's always been hovering just a few inches away from it, but lately? Brick city.

So, it's possible these photographers were charitable and took one for the kid. Or maybe though, they had already gotten their fill of the philly.

How 'High' Should We Install These?

So there's a story on CNN.com about a string of incidents where copious amounts of drugs have been found in cabinets purchased at Home Depots around Massachusetts. Close to a half a million dollars worth of pot and coke have been found in the vanities, most of which are located by unexpecting installers and home owners.

Who wants to bet that someone was supposed to purchase this equipment that Home Depot so graciously shipped to the northeast free of charge and oversight got whacked or arrested, and thus was unable to pick up their shit?

That reminds me, I have to go buy a couple of Pokemon dolls from Walmart that are crammed full of Oxycontin.

Alec Baldwin is Annoying

Yet another co-worker of Alec Baldwin's has quit her job because of the actor's so called bastardly tendencies. This time it is designer Patricia Field. You may have heard that his former costar Jan Maxwell quit in mid-run of a play because he created an "unhealthy and oppressive situation onstage and off".

The evidence is just piling up against the bloatedest Baldwin. It seems he is quite a jerk to those who have the misfortune of working with him. It makes me wonder if he would be able to last a few days in a traditional work environment.

It is well known that quitting mid-stream in the entertainment business, especially theatre is just about the worst thing a person can do. So two women in the past couple of months have risked career suicide just to put distance between themselves and Alec.

Perhaps he's getting too big for his britches.

If You're Gonna Do the Crime, uh... Drive Away.

Thursday, Paris Hilton was involved in a hit and run accident. Granted, I'm making more out of this than it probably deserves, but still. It's Paris, and she's dumb.

After a full day of shopping, Paris dumps her shit in her SUV, gets in, and chaos ensues. After checking her lipstick, or maybe her nostrils, in the mirror and not putting her seat belt on, she backs right into a parked car and drives away.

The coolest thing about the video (linked above) is how very dumb she looks. She does this shitty bouncy thing, like a kid who is pretending to drive. Jesus, she's surrounded by photographers. Stop being such a simpering idiot.

I would kill to know what went through her head the instant she realized she hit the car. It was probably something along the lines of: "Just how hot do I look right now?" or "Daddy will pay for it, I'm late for my fellatio lesson."

The Jolie-Pitts May Be On The Move

According to an exclusive story that is posted on TMZ.com Angelina, Brad, along with their Little Rascals style brood (fresh with the world's most famous Namibian) are moving back to Malibu, perhaps this week.

The Pittjolies have summoned a slew of cleaning people to make the 9 million dollar seaside manse sparkling clean. Speaking of sparkling, there was also a delivery of liqour that would make Ted Kennedy blush. Either Maddox is becoming a lush, or there may just be a little baby shower on the calendar.

Jesus, I hope they register at Target.

Ozzy's Poison Pill Paralyzed his Pecker

The wrath of anti-depressants has victimized the prince of darkness.

Apparently the pills that were prescribed following Ozzy Osbourne's 2003 four-wheeler accident have left him limp. The story continues with a visibly refreshed Sharon explaining that the rocker's rock was always in action in the past, and since the prick popping prescription has been in action, he hasn't.

It makes me wonder if that alien controlling Tom Cruise has a point. Maybe anti-depressants are bad. I mean if the only head Ozzy is getting comes from biting it off a bat, then there must be something up. Or not... up.

Alba is Freaky In the Bedroom

Muy caliente hollywood sweetie Jessica Alba admits she's a freak in the bedroom. A clean freak. According to the starlet, she has OCD when it comes to germs and hotel beds. Alba travels with a personal sized Febreze disinfectant spray, and douses her bed upon arrival in every new pad.

I love the smell of Febreze, but there's one major problem with using it on sheets. It makes them wet if you spray it on too heavily. There's something about a Jessica Alba lying under a clingy slightly damp sheet makes my head spin. It's either that or the chemicals from the stuff that are slowly burning through my remaining brain cells.

There's no way Febreze can't do away with the usual melange of baby batter, skin cells and pubes resident on the average hotel bedspread. If she knew about that, there's a possiblity that she would have a nervous breakdown and go all Marlon Brando on us. An Alba in seclusion is a useless Alba, so lets keep that our little secret shall we?

Lohan Cut and Ran

Due to rising oil prices and the weakening US dollar, the price of coke in Hollywood has sky-rocketed.

In a totally unrelated story, Lindsay Lohan quit her job today according to sources. She was set to co-star with Amanda Peet and Aaron Eckhart in the film, 'Bill'. Apparently, the director wasn't well known enough for La Lohan's high standards in filmmaking.

Perhaps it was the outstanding commercial success of 'Just My Luck' that has her head so swollen. Well that, or the fact that her liver is shutting down.

It's all about supply and demand, really.

Paris Rolls Her Own "Cigarettes"

TMZ spotted Paris Hilton arriving at a Hollywood club exhaling from what looks suspiciously like a big fat blunt. When she spotted the flash bulb her reaction was to take a dive and hope the cloud of smoke obscured her as she fumbled around for something else to sate her oral fixation.

I remember in high school, those kids in the Guns 'N Roses shirts who used to roll their own because it was super cool looking, and a very alt-culture thing to do. But Paris can't be bothered to walk her own ridiculous little dog, much less roll her own cigarettes.

The final nail in the coffin for her is that her publicist so proactively sought out the photog in question to explain the heiress' love for rolling her own. Tobacco, that is.

The person I feel really bad for is the security guard/coke mule in the back seat with a third degree burn in her forehead from when Paris hurled the "tobacco" cigarette away from the prying lenses of the media.

Kidman Going All the Way in the Dark

According to sources, blonde beauty and Scientology refugee Nicole Kidman will marry her fiancee Keith Urban at her Sydney home under the cover of darkness.

The couple has consulted a helicopter firm to mull over the strategy, designed to assure that the paparazzi doesn't have a shot at snapping the story.

After years married to the pink prince of Scientology, being kept in the dark is probably a very comfortable thing for her. If I were her, I'd be less concerned about the prying eyes of the press and more concerned with the wrath of Xenu.

'The Break Up' is Broke

So, since my taste in movies rivals that of a 12 year old girl I went to see 'The Break Up' tonight. OK, so I happen to be a fan of Vince Vaughn too. And the concept of seeing Jennifer Aniston's butt also appeals to me. In essence, this movie was my very own Triple Crown.

Well, the problem with this movie is that it tries too hard to break the "romantic comedy" mold.

First, there is Vince himself. His 'Swingers', 'Old School', 'Wedding Crashers' deadpan machine gun delivery seems odd here, but I'll grant it because I generally like it and there are several very funny Vaughn-ish moments.

Second, there isn't a single likable character in the movie. He is a self involved lunk who doesn't care about people around him, and she is a manipulative nag. The supporting players are just shades of the above.

Third, the ending breaks the traditional mode too, and it sucks.

I am ALL for shaking up a genre, but judging from the groans and the shrugging shoulders as the credits rolled this isn't the movie that will do it.

Keira Pops Pasta and Pinot

All over the world, folks wonder how waifish beauty Keira Knightly keeps herself so terrifyingly thin. Does the British heartthrob spend hours a day doing power crunches? Maybe she spends more time spinning than the White House press office.

The answer, according to Knightley, is a strict diet of carbs and booze. Her "no day but today" munching mantra includes bowls of whatever pasta she craves and up to a half a bottle of wine a night. This mixture of pasta and preservatives keeps her happy and looking like she could snap in two with nothing more than a firm handshake.

To celebrate this fabulous news, I'm going to go out to pound some cheese tortellini and a bottle of Jack Daniels. South Beach diet be damned. Hands off Skeletor, I'm gonna write the book on this one. Keep your eye out for the Soused Bitch diet, coming soon to a bar near you.

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Bam Chicka Woof Woof...

According to TMZ.com, a woman is suing that decrepit old porn mogul and labial genius Larry Flynt (of Hustler Magazine) because his Schnauzer allegedly "attacked" her.

I'll be honest here, I love schnauzers. While they may look like the angry old man of the dog kingdom, in reality they are terriers with a great disposition.

The dog has probably had enough of booze, tits and being dragged behind a wheelchair 6 hours a day and decided to make a break for Mike Tyson style infamy. That, or this woman got barked at and is using it to try to get a piece of Larry's pink palace.

Either way, this story depresses me because it proves that even Flynt's schnauzer gets more pieces of ass than I do.

6.3 times a week

Move over Catholics, it's the Baptists that really want you to come more often.

Attraction to Type.

No, this is not going to be a blog entry about some publisher with a creepy erotic fixation on his word processor. I intend to blather about attraction.

What fuels human attraction?
On her Playmate data sheet, Miss October states that she is turned on by men with a sense of humor and a love for puppies. Check, and check. Well hell! I'm in, right?

I am not a big believer in the theory that love is blind. I think love is slightly nearsighted with a mild astigmatism. My humble theory is that love is equal parts of adoration, trust, and lust. I can get at least 66.66 (with a bar over it... and perhaps behind it...) of the way with most people. For lust to exist there often needs to be physical attraction. Miss October is probably not going to fall in love with a 5 foot 3, 400 pound plumber from Des Moines, even though he's as funny as Jon Stewart and volunteers at the SPCA.

Do people have "types" that they are specifically attracted to?
I have a type. I am attracted to brunettes (light to dark) who are generally from 5'2" to 5'8" in stature, and have petite body types. I also crave wit. But generally, the only type to "turn my head" with no other interaction is of the previous description. Based on my experience, I would say "yes", people have types.

Does attraction to a "type" prevent attraction to someone who is not of that "type"?
Does that mean that I rule out anyone that doesn't fit the mold? No.
I've been in love with redheads, blondes, tall people, short people... Well, you get the point.

I wonder if the psychology behind an attraction to "type" means that people that are in relationships with someone who isn't of their type are acting against their nature.

I love Arial, and Verdana... but that New Roman ho has got to go.

Y'arrgh.

Ever met an angry pirate? Want to?

These pages will contain the musings of an ornery seaman. Check it out, and you might find some booty buried in here.