A Moment of Silence for Ryan and Reese...

The marriage is reportedly over. One of the hottest couples in Hollywood is breaking up. My Cruel Intentions fantasies are at an end. Leave me to weep.

Desperate, For Her Pictures Back...

In a teaser interview for what is sure to become the next big Internet scandal, a waste hauler has confirmed that Marcia Cross is indeed a redhead.

According to Rush & Molloy, the garbage man has found over 200 pictures (many nude) of the Desperate Housewife in her trash, and is meeting with Internet promoters to get the most bang for his buck. Similarly to what happened earlier this year, when the promoter offered to sell Paris Hilton the contents of a storage locker that she had stopped paying for, Ms. Cross is being offered the opportunity to procure her nude images for an undisclosed sum. The sum is based on the fact that the same guy also has found a copy of her tax return from the same trashy source.

This is more upsetting to me than it probably should be. As a guy with a digital camera, I am constantly reminded that I can't use it in the way that God intended, because and I quote... "They might end up on the Internet or something." Listen up guys. It's time to stop trying to get the most cash out of those naked pictures and start doing what's best for society as a whole. No more holding naked celebrities hostage. We need to band together and start a secret network to store all of these images, so they can be free to any creep that wants them.

Someone get Al Gore on the phone...

Nicole Ritchie is Skinny.

Nicole Ritchie thrust herself into the spotlight as the stumpy sidekick of Paris Hilton in The Simple Life a Hollywood eternity ago. Once people such as myself, but with far higher readership started calling her things like "stumpy" and "sidekick", she went to great lengths to lose a grotesque amount of weight.

Yesterday, she checked herself in to a hospital for undisclosed reasons. But E! News got a statement from her reps, "She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition...".

She's going to a specialist to learn how to gain weight. Supposedly. 80% of America is agonizing over how to lose it. I think all of us could tell her the answer. Eat something, and then don't throw it up.

Anna Nicole is Unfit for the Bahamas.

Politicians in Bahamas are working hard to send Anna Nicole back to California.

According to them, she is unfit for the islands. There's an interesting caveat in Bahamian law which allows people who are of good character AND can afford to buy a $500,000 home without needing employment in the Bahamas to be eligible for citizenship. Essentially a "Rich People Come Spend Your Money Here" clause. I'd be willing to bet that this is one of the first times that the morality clause has been busted out in a long time. I remember a house on Grand Bahama Island with 10 garages and gun parapets that was the known home of a major drug lord. Apparently he was OK.

This is the set of islands that host thousands of drunk boob-flashing college students every spring. The island that has casinos and bars where you can get drunk and laid every night. Essentially it's my kind of place.

I'm not saying that I disagree with the Bahamian politician. Anna Nicole is an alleged drug-addled gold digger, and a joke on heels. As far as I'm concerned she should be deported to an island somewhere. But who would have thought that they would have sent her back.

Just in Time for Halloween: Tara Reid Talks About The Franken-nipples.

This morning on 'The Today Show', the formerly cute now somewhat beat up star of the 'American Pie' trilogy and seemingly perpetually drunk E! star talked about her boobs.

Many of us may remember the pictures from a year or so ago when her dress fell down and the world was treated to her unensconced ta-ta. The nipple was so malformed that it got the nickname "Franken-boobie".

At the time the Reid-ster vehemently denied getting implants. After a national eye-roll, she was banished to basic cable. I mean, it wasn't too hard to see the inflation, even without seeing the proof of an obviously recently reattached nip.

"It looked like I got completely butchered up," Tara the Tittie told 'Today'. "The areolas ... they looked like goose-shaped eggs." Reid also described the excruciating pain caused by her liposuction. "I got these bumps ... like little golf balls all over my stomach, and it hurt."

I wonder what she's promoting, because it's a little bit of a delay to make excuses for, and especially weird on a morning talk-show. I'm all for improving yourself via plastic surgery, exercise, or even via self-help books (*Cough*Tara*Cough*).

But honey, you can afford the good stuff. Why buy your money-makers at Wal*Mart?

Angelina Jolie Won't Get Naked Any More...

According to Scotland's Daily Record, Angelina Jolie has given up gettin' all nekkid for every other film role. Well... OK, every film role. The reason why she's suddenly so conservative? She doesn't want to embarass her children.

Ever since, the Jolie-Pitt household went all United Nations on us and she's set to adopting and/or birthing a child from every continent, she has kept her pants up. At least on film.

I want to take this opportunity to remind Miss Jolie, that while her intentions are noble there is such a thing as the Al Gore Internets. Even though the blood-vile wearing odd tattoo-covered psycho hottie is all laced up now, her children's horny friends will only be a Google search away from seeing MILF-nip.

Arrested Development on Ebay.

Arrested Development may just be the best show ever. It's terribly funny and had a quirky pace that resonated with me as well as everyone else with even a basic sense of humor. For some reason, the bastards at Fox felt that the show should be cancelled. Now, you too can own a piece of TV history.

For sale on EBay right now is Gob's Segway Scooter, the knit cap tha Charlize Theron wore in season three, among other things. So for those of you who are hoping to clone Charlize, or even just use the hat as a character in your own version of Happy Wang's Sock Puppet Theatre, you can. For a few hundred dollars.

Other items available include autographed scripts and costume pieces. It's a shame that Arrested Development had to come to EBay auctions, but at least there are ravenous fans out there like me who would love a piece of that crap.

The Auctions if you're interested. You can certainly buy me anything you want.

Habitual Porn Addiction and Scary Babies...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Willa Ford Doesn't Play Games.

I admit it, I watched the first 4 shows of this season's Dancing With The Stars. It wasn't so bad, because some of those dancers are really hot. Also, the majority of them probably need visas. So I could be up in there if you know what I'm saying.

Recently, country singer Sara Evans quit the show while announcing the plans that she was divorcing her husband. Not the best time for a crappy reality dancing show I guess.

The producers of the show asked recently axed musician and faked up Playboy hottie, Willa Ford to return to the show. Apparently, her pseudo-celebrity status fared so well from her first go-round that she doesn't need the positive press that coming back to the show would generate.

At least we've all seen her naked.

Pirates at Disney...

I'm going to depart from the norm for just a minute.

You see, I'm in Orlando right now and I got a chance to ride the new "revamped" Pirates of the Caribbean ride. With much hullabaloo and pizzaz, Disney announced that the ride had been retrofitted to correspond to Pirates 2. I was pretty excited because I have a nostalgia for the old ride, and I love the movies.

Arrgh, I don't want to burst ye olde bubble, but there isn't much change here. There's a pretty cool effect when you round the first curve with some falling dry ice that looks a lot like a waterfall with Davy Jones' video being projected on it. Just when you think you're going to get wet, you pass right through a talking Davy. Other than that, there are 3 installations of a new Johnny Depp, uh... Jack Sparrow animatronic, which is so much more realistic than the other robots that it almost stands out.

It's still the same old ride though. Johnny head creaks out of a barrel, and later sings with a parrot... But other than that not much else has changed.

Boo to that, I say.

Happy Tom Cruise Day!

Tom Cruise was recently awarded with his own holiday in Japan. By Xenu! The stars have finally aligned and the evil alien overlords are sure to be defeated. It's a good thing that his thetin levels are near perfect, almost like his faaaaaabulous smile.

Wait a second, what am I saying?

The shrimpy studio refugee was awarded this holiday by the equally shrimpy country because of his love for and close association with Japan... Which he can't help because he's 5'2 or some shit, and so is the entire country. Essentially, he made a movie about a ninja or some shit that grossed about $15 back in 2000-something. Oh yeah, and he rode a bullet train when he was promoting the last Mission: Impossible movie which made about $20.

Hallmark is gonna have a field day with this one. Happy Tom Cruise Day cards are going to be all the rage in Tokyo. My brother in law loves the ones with the glittery aliens and the fuzzy Katies.

Jessica Has No Problem Being Runner-Up...

It has been widely speculated that Jessica Simpson and singer John Mayer were knocking boots at some point during the summer. I think there was even a story in People. There was a breakup before there was even an up to break.

It seems just the other day John Mayer was sliming around the lounge at the Four Seasons. According to TMZ, he struck out with at least one hottie (asking her up to his room to "talk") before sidling up to the bar, and Jessie Simpson. Never one to ignore the chance at another swing, the two jumped in the elevator and "talked" the night away.

It's good to see that Simpson gets the opportunity to bump uglies every now and again, I'm sure the stress of promoting her new movie Employee of the Month has her ready for some relaxing action. I'm also pretty sure that Mayer probably bangs like his music... Slow, whiny and confusing.

And there was KFC and Cider...

The pictures of Anna Nicole Smith-K-Stern frolicking in the surf with her new "husband" are real. She hasn't even buried her son, and she's bounding in the surf with the douche-du-jour, lawyer and pussy-whip Howard K. Stern.

I am willing to allow her the opportunity to have a little fun in her grief. I'm Irish, we use death as an opportunity to get drunk and fight. But grieving mothers rarely get married and giggle in the ocean before the funeral of their sons.

This woman has been drunk and/or high for the majority of her life... It would seem that being a new mother hasn't slowed that down a bit. It definitely didn't stop her from getting married this weekend on a boat in the Bahamas. To celebrate, the lucky guests had champagne, cider and you guessed it... KFC.

Look up White Trash in the dictionary... She'll be there.

Eva is Back On the Market.

After her boyfriend was seen canoodling with his ex-girlfriend at a club in NYC, Eva Longoria gave him the boot. You've gotta think that something was up in advance of club-gate 2006... Either that or she is the most insecure woman in LA.

I wonder what things were really like with them. Every other day, she was in the media talking about how CRAZY their sex life was. She was all bondage this, dirty sanchez that... And now... poof, she gives him the heave ho. Emphasis on the latter.

Tony Parker is an NBA player, so basically he has a free pass to just about any set of panties in the United States and parts of Mexico. So she had to be doing something right to keep him tied down. After all, without a stylist and makeup, she looks like this: