18 May, 2011

Crunch!

I was just thinking about the phrase "walking on eggshells" as it relates to a coworker. Strangely, I seem to have 1 coworker, and 1 relative who I am constantly on the verge of pissing off (and vice versa). It's a strange phrase... why would you walk on an eggshell? Who's making omelets, and why wasn't I offered one? I like to use the phrase "walking on thin ice". It's much more likely a scenario, and while unadvised it may occasionally be unavoidable.

In the case of the coworker, it's someone I quite enjoy being around so when the pissing off occurs it makes it that much more painful and messy. For the relative, it's someone higher than me in the familiar hierarchy on my wife's side who has always had copious disdain for me, and at this point I am convinced is the anti-Christ. Well if not actually the anti-Christ, then a close cousin.

In both cases, I am somewhat forced to be around these people. One, a work contract mandates it and the other is related to me (on paper). So the question is: is it possible to be comfortable around someone if the thin ice is always crackling at your feet? On the surface (he he... ice, surface) it's an easy answer. Unfortunately when you are forced into the relationships through love, life, or employment - you have to make your own way. I NEED to find comfort in these situations, but still I find myself ill at ease - and rightfully so.

I'm afraid the answer is to pull back. To hide the aspects of my personality that make the ice crackle, but I feel are part of my core. If I pull back, people notice it... but they don't have any reason to be hypersensitive. I guess it's all about learning what works with which people. (Say those last 5 words three times fast.)

18 January, 2010

Golden Globes Roundup

The Golden Globes were last night.  It was boring as shit, and I normally frolic like a school girl during awards show season.

AnnaLynne McCord is wearing a dress that looks like she was being molested by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Mariah Carey apparently took the title of the show literally.

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Ashley Tisdale was dressed as classily as ever.  I think Hepburn wore that to the ‘73 Oscars. Sandra Bullock and Jaime Pressly apparently got my emails.

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The award for Best Snuggie goes to Jennifer Aniston. The vein in Molly Sims’ forehead wore Armani.

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I love Kat McPhee, but I’m pretty sure that’s a Hefty bag. Ashley Greene.  Once again, that is all.
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21 December, 2009

So yeah, about Brittany Murphy

There is a mixed bag of reaction on the Al Gore Intrawebs about the untimely passing of actress and oft-anorexic hottie Brittany Murphy.

I have previously copped to loving some lame ass movies, and I will admit that Ms. Murphy has made my DVD shelf on more than one occasion. So, while I don't think you could call me a fan, I definitely was well acquainted with her body of work.

Half of me is not surprised. There were a lot of rumors that she was a crazy drug user, and many people have reported erratic behavior recently. You don't have to be Carl Gauss to put that 2 + 2 together.

Of course, you can't rule out homicide. I think the LAPD should interview Tiger Woods. Just in case, y'know? This is exactly what he needed.

When young people die, it's a horrible depressing thing, and it shouldn't have been her time. She had a lot more crappy romantic comedies and being almost naked to do, and the world would have paid great attention to both.

20 December, 2009

Lindsay Lohan in 'Muse'

Lindsay Lohan was in my favorite movie of all time. I'm not afraid to admit that Mean Girls was on my weekly playlist for fiscal years 2007 and 2008. Back then she was awesome. Now shes just - some.

I don't know what 'Muse' is. My mates tell me that it's a magazine that takes semi-artistic photos of trashy women. My eyes confirm this.

16 December, 2009

No more 'spooning for Jake

Good news guys!

Reese Witherspoon is on the market once again. According to various news outlets, she split with Jake Gyllenhaal after "months of fighting".

The star of Brokeback Mountain and the men's room at many a Los Angeles cabaret was "heartbroken" when Reese decided it was time to give up.

What the article doesn't say is what she has given up on. The pirate's thoughts:

  • Mysteriously "losing" her pantyhose every Saturday night.
  • Stubble in her lip gloss.
  • Stress fractures in her high-heels.
  • A subscription to Men's Fitness.

15 December, 2009

"Real" Housewives of Photoshop

I don't watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey". In fact, I don't watch any of the "real" housewives shows, preferring to bask in the glow of actual housewives at the local Walmart. That's as real as it gets. You haven't lived until you've seen two older broads fight over a zhu zhu pet. But I digress...

This lady, who is on that show, and who shall remain nameless (because I don't have the energy to go look it up) recently unveiled her nude PETA ad. OK... Look at her, then look at the ad. Do it again.

The woman in the PETA ad looks like Tiffani Amber Thiessen's older (and what we in politically correct circles like to call 'mentally challenged') sister. The woman standing next to the PETA ad looks like a reanimated corpse.

You do the math.

12 December, 2009

Holly Sampson Golf Project

Holly Sampson is one of the women who is stepping forward to say that she has experienced everything Tiger Woods has to offer. She also happens to be a porn star.

Surprisingly, 'Tiger's Wood' is already in production. Since Vivid lost the race for the best and most obvious title, they went to the next best thing... getting one of the actual women who boned golfnerd.

It would appear from this picture (snapped outside of Vivid headquarters) that production on Holly Sampson Golf Project (the porno title guys had better get moving) is about to begin. How about Woods and Irons: A fantasia on golf & bondage. Too much?

I particularly enjoy the subtlety of the 72 point font, and the perfect placement of that envelope. But I know that there can't be a script in there, so my question of the day: What's in the envelope...

A. 40 sheets of blank copier paper.
B. The "secret" fifth book of the "Twilight" series.
C. A couple headshots and a mini tube of Vaseline.
D. Air.

09 December, 2009

I left my "gimp" mask at the palace...

Queen Elizabeth: Chestershire? Is it Halloween already...

Chestershire: No, your majesty. These are the performers from the Royal Variety performance.

Queen Elizabeth: Where am I?

Chestershire: May I present... Lady... Ga...ga?

Lady Gaga: Your majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I quite enjoy the circus.

Lady Gaga: It was an honor to perform for you.

Queen Elizabeth: Am I being robbed?

Chestershire: Your majesty, Lady Gaga is a celebrity from the United States.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh good-good, I quite like the colonies. Lady, is it? Is your title by birth or by appointment?

Lady Gaga: Actually... By surgeon.

ZING!

Ashley Greene






That is all.

17 October, 2007

You Can Dress Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons is going trick-or-treating. You can register online at his website and suggest what he wears. I IMPLORE YOU... Go with something like a wizard or Chewbacca or something else that involves a lot of fabric and or synthetic hair. Beyonce's closet, perhaps.

This one time, I was in the audience of the Late Show with David Letterman and Little Ricky did a run-through. I was on the aisle. His leg brushed me. As I looked down in horror, I noticed that my pants literally had oil on them. A slick that reeked of coconut.

So, you have the power. Cover it up.

 
All photos and videos are property of their respective owners, and were plundered for the entertainment of the crew. Remaining text and content is property of the pirate. Don't even think about stealing this booty.
Copyright - Angry Pirate, 2007 - 2010.