First Confirmed Case of Dick Cancer from Hotel Lotion

Jamaica, NY                                                                  

The mood in the United Airlines Polaris Lounge at JFK was subdued as many of the Monday morning frequent flier rush quietly cast furtive glances at their fellow travelers and averted their eyes from the scroll at the bottom of the morning news.

The first reported case of Penile Carcinoma (or Dick Cancer) was discovered in Broken Arrow, OK when an unnamed CEO was diagnosed by his General Practitioner.  According to sources, the patient had no history of smoking, alcohol abuse, or excessive sunburns in his medical history.  This cause his physician to consider some deeper testing.

"We noted a baby soft epidermal layer all about the patient's penis and testicles."  Said Oklahoma physician Gale Connors, MD. "In fact his skin was perhaps the smoothest I've ever seen."

Lab testing resulted in several layers of sub-dermal lotion pockets, the result of over 200 nights a year of clandestine post sales dinner buzzed wanking in various Holiday Inn and Holiday Inn Expresses throughout the lower 48 states.  According to physicians, the chemicals in the lotion have fused to the sponge-like tissue in the man's genitalia.

Meanwhile back at the airport lounge there were a few willing to speak with us.

"Listen, I knew it was probably a bad idea to smash so much of that lemony Paul Mitchell body lotion into myself on a nightly basis" said Samsung sales executive Marty Smith, "but it's like Marriott has been enabling me by replacing it every night."

The prognosis is not good for those impacted, as penile amputation is the best course of action.  Three major hotel chains have banned the provisioning of products that can be used as personal lubricants.

In seemingly unrelated news:

• The Wharton School of Business is offering open enrollment for the fall session.
• Female executives have noted a sharp uptick in promotions and bonuses this quarter