First Confirmed Case of Dick Cancer from Hotel Lotion

Jamaica, NY                                                                  

The mood in the United Airlines Polaris Lounge at JFK was subdued as many of the Monday morning frequent flier rush quietly cast furtive glances at their fellow travelers and averted their eyes from the scroll at the bottom of the morning news.

The first reported case of Penile Carcinoma (or Dick Cancer) was discovered in Broken Arrow, OK when an unnamed CEO was diagnosed by his General Practitioner.  According to sources, the patient had no history of smoking, alcohol abuse, or excessive sunburns in his medical history.  This cause his physician to consider some deeper testing.

"We noted a baby soft epidermal layer all about the patient's penis and testicles."  Said Oklahoma physician Gale Connors, MD. "In fact his skin was perhaps the smoothest I've ever seen."

Lab testing resulted in several layers of sub-dermal lotion pockets, the result of over 200 nights a year of clandestine post sales dinner buzzed wanking in various Holiday Inn and Holiday Inn Expresses throughout the lower 48 states.  According to physicians, the chemicals in the lotion have fused to the sponge-like tissue in the man's genitalia.

Meanwhile back at the airport lounge there were a few willing to speak with us.

"Listen, I knew it was probably a bad idea to smash so much of that lemony Paul Mitchell body lotion into myself on a nightly basis" said Samsung sales executive Marty Smith, "but it's like Marriott has been enabling me by replacing it every night."

The prognosis is not good for those impacted, as penile amputation is the best course of action.  Three major hotel chains have banned the provisioning of products that can be used as personal lubricants.

In seemingly unrelated news:

• The Wharton School of Business is offering open enrollment for the fall session.
• Female executives have noted a sharp uptick in promotions and bonuses this quarter

Bieber's "Hard Season" Leads Him to Give it Up to the Lord

Magnum PI and a hot young lesbian

Recently Justin Bieber is back in the news after he "took a break" from his "music" to "focus on his "mental" and "emotional" health.  (Visualize some significant air quotes.)  Apparently this involves appropriating Tom Selleck's "Magnum PI" look, which is reason enough for me to want to kick him in the sack.

There are a lot of reasons to hate Justin Bieber.  I shall enumerate here:

1. He's Canadian
2. He spits on his fans (literally)
3. He acts above the law
4. His Talent:Fame ratio is fucked out of whack.
5. Did I mention he's Canadian?

After singing some Gospel music at a place called "Churchome", he posted on Instagram about how his new bro Jesus is getting him through a "Hard Season".  A quick Google of Justin Bieber Hard Season yields a pirate's booty of Lap Rocket that makes me wonder if Just-in Beaver needs more God  in his life or a light round of chemical castration.  Now, I'm not one to talk about another man's Spam Javelin but lets be honest, it is out and about more than the cast of Queer Eye at a Pride parade.

You're Welcome.  Here's a little something for Erryone.

I'm all for someone finding Jesus.  In fact, if you do - let me know where he is - I have a couple of questions about the platypus, Kim Jong Un's hair, and the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby.

A word to the wise Biebs, the church is gonna frown on nude frolic, drugs, and public urination.  So you'd better get your shit together.  And for God's sake, leave Tom Selleck out of this.

Margaret Qualley is Dating Davidson

If chlamydia could walk and talk, it would look like Pete Davidson walking around Manhattan on a hot summer day.  Somehow his penis has seen more Grade A meat than the dry aging room at Morton's Steakhouse.

After sliming his way through the amazing Ariana Grande, Carly Aquino, and MILF-to-the-stars Kate Beckinsale - he's now set his sights on Margaret Qualley.  Maggie isn't a household name yet, so many of you pirate swine may only know her if I tell you she's Andie MacDowell's daughter.  She seems to have inherited her mom's prodigious teeth and gums, which is killer if you are in any form of orthodontia or a particularly capable dental hygienist.  I don't want to be a neigh-sayer (low key horse pun) but I think she's more his speed.  

Clearly the man is some sort of wizard, or perhaps he's toting around trouser tackle of anaconda-like quality (and quantity?).  Someday when the historians look back at this, they will probably assume that there was a shortage of men to date, and this emo bitch was considered a top-notch play.

I wish you much success in your pillaging of another LA brunette who wants to prove something to her parents.