I left my "gimp" mask at the palace...

Queen Elizabeth: Chestershire? Is it Halloween already...

Chestershire: No, your majesty. These are the performers from the Royal Variety performance.

Queen Elizabeth: Where am I?

Chestershire: May I present... Lady... Ga...ga?

Lady Gaga: Your majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I quite enjoy the circus.

Lady Gaga: It was an honor to perform for you.

Queen Elizabeth: Am I being robbed?

Chestershire: Your majesty, Lady Gaga is a celebrity from the United States.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh good-good, I quite like the colonies. Lady, is it? Is your title by birth or by appointment?

Lady Gaga: Actually... By surgeon.

ZING!

Ashley Greene

That is all.

You Can Dress Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons is going trick-or-treating. You can register online at his website and suggest what he wears. I IMPLORE YOU... Go with something like a wizard or Chewbacca or something else that involves a lot of fabric and or synthetic hair. Beyonce's closet, perhaps.

This one time, I was in the audience of the Late Show with David Letterman and Little Ricky did a run-through. I was on the aisle. His leg brushed me. As I looked down in horror, I noticed that my pants literally had oil on them. A slick that reeked of coconut.

So, you have the power. Cover it up.

God Damn You, Clay Aiken!

It has been reported that Clay Aiken is taking over the role of Sir Robin in the Broadway company of Spamalot. Those of you who are theatrically inclined may remember this as the role originated by David Hyde Pierce.

The only good news here is that Claygay is just about the 10th person to play the role. It's not like he is the second, or even third person don the soiled undergarments of Brave Sir Robin. Between "Fantasia" in The Color Purple and Clay in Spamalot, I'm beginning to think that I need to find a new favorite thing. Broadway is going down the crapper.

Kathy Griffin Takes a Bite out of an Apple

Kathy Griffin is dating Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak.

The D-List celebu-not is recently divorced from her first husband, whom she claimed stole money from her. It's a good thing that you can't steal the funny from a person, because Kathy Griffin has plenty to go around. Or not.


Seriously though, I'm happy for Kathy Griffin.

She's finally netted herself a wealthy man. Even if that man looks like Stephen King and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons had a child.

He's certainly doing us all a service by giving Griffin no reason to do appearances or stand up.

The dude has millions and billions of dollars. But more importantly he is bedding an annoying redhead. The only other person who was so lucky was the last person to bang Carrot Top. Sorry C-top. I meant to call...

Gwen Stefani Whips It Out.

According to Page Six, hella-hot Gwen Stefani doesn't know when to quit. Breastfeeding that is.

"I don't know when I'm going to stop breast-feeding...I'll just keep going while I can - like, he's getting his teeth, so it is a little bit scary. He's bitten me a few times."

I have never been clear where the line between sexy ass boobies and source of food begins and ends, so I will push on here. The concept of Gwen Stefani's boob deserves whatever time I can give it on the blogsphere. So even if I have to write about little Kingston's Old Country Buffet, I'll do it.

Seriously look at that. Gwen Stefani is basically talking about her nipple. That's really cool, no matter how you cut it. Or bite it.

On a serious note, I think it's great that she's a dedicated mom. She's one of the few Hollywood people who does a great job at bottling up the insanity and not letting it out. Most of the people in LA are letting their crazy soar - I mean it's out there fore everyone to see. Gwen isn't living la vida loco, and this pirate loves it.

Lohan Looks Pretty Arrested.

And, it's over folks.

Lohan was arrested for DWI and possession of cocaine last night.

Maybe that ankle bracelet was a mini fridge for her bottle of Jaeger.

Unfortunately it will be a while before studios can cast her in anything, because she will be un-insurable.

This could be the beginning of a long and gratifying career in the field of fetish pornography. Someone get me some saran wrap and a small rodent.

Britney Slaps Her Mama.

Let's take a journey to the multi-million dollar house in the Hollywood Hills with pink flamingos in the lawn and a rusted out chevy on cinder blocks in the side yard.

According to reports, Britney Spears' mother had the audacity to tell her daughter to be a better parent. Our favorite sagging pop tart did not take to kindly to the visit and the advice from the woman who raised her, so she raised her own... hand. That's right crew. Britney slapped the shit out of her own mother. Not to be outdone, according to reports, Lynn slapped right back. This bitch-slap fest is yet another slip towards the bowels of celebutard hell for Britney. I mean even in the south, it's not kosher to slap yo' mama.

Unfortunately I can't take a side on this one. Lynn Spears giving advice on how to raise a child is like Jessica Biel giving advice on how NOT to have a wonderful ass. It just doesn't make sense. I'm sure Britney will claim she was rehearsing for a role in one of those moving pictures or something, but still I can't side with someone who would slap their mother. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good slap fight. But some lines must be drawn.

Happy Birthday LiLo!

Dear Lindsay,

It has been a magical year. You have truly been through alot, and I am very proud of you. Your volunteer work at Promises rehab shows us all what it means to truly give back to society. It is so nice of you to show those sad old drunks that there is so much more to life, like harder drugs and liquor. You are a true role model to us all.

This year has had its challenges too. (What with the looting, and the hoarding... Some of us did questionable things.) You held strong though. You've proven that lust for booze, cocaine, and the love of a fine latin woman (including knifeplay) are things that should be part of ALL of our lives.

On this your 21st birthday, I just want to say from all of us. You just keep on doin' what you doin' girlfriend. Everyone raise a glass (Yes! Mirrors count too...) to Miss Lohan.

Cheers,
The Angry Pirate.

I'm Back Bitches...

The blog-sphere is still reeling with news of the Angry Pirate's return to the world of web publishing.
Let me see what's new.

Lindsay is in rehab: 50 Patients at a California rehab text message their dealers simultaneously.
Britney shaves head and loses mind: The people rejoice.
Lindsay is back in rehab: Lindsay goes to the beach and drinks alot.
Paris is in jail: LA county jails suffer an unprecidented outbreak of the clap.

Everyone in Hollywood is rumored pregnant - Katie Holmes, Holly Madison, Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera, your mom : The Angry Pirate is back.