Ashlee Opens Up...

Ashlee Simpson opened in 'Chicago' on London's West End. According to quotes, she really identifies with murderous, and fame-hungry Roxie Hart, whom she now plays 8 times a week.

Fame hungry yes, but murdering... perhaps just the theatre. Think of this as vindication for her SNL lipsyncing flub. There she is eight performances a week with nothing but a wireless mic on her hairline and a high-end theatrical soundboard at the other end. Sure there's no crying in baseball, but there's also no faking it in the live theatre.

Ever since she went under the knife, it's entirely possible that she is now the sexy Simpson. Now with the legit theatre turn, she might even be the talented Simpson. I'll bet OJ is pissed that she's playing Roxie Hart, because now... she's the murdering Simpson too. But he's still the best, I mean hell... He got away with it.

Mario Lopez is Dating That Girl.

According to US Weekly one of the couples on Dancing With the Stars is dating, and it isn't Jerry Springer and Vivica A. Fox.

Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff are reportedly dating each other, which may account for some of the steam on the twice weekly sweaty dance show. This is very good news for Lopez, who is still the object of lust for every girl who grew up in the late 80's. Karina, as long as they manage her gi-normous forehead, is very hot.

Mario is having a bit of a career upswing, but he's no Mark-Paul or Tiffany-Amber. Those two are making a killing doing appearances at local auto shows. Even Dustin Diamond is doing Howard Stern. Poor Mario was relegated to making cameos on crap VH1 shows like 'What happened to the 80's' and 'Extra'.

So now Mario is back on TV, and he's dating a hot dancer. Obviously, the latin lover of teen sitcoms has sold his soul to the devil. Well, whatever it takes, man.

Clay Aiken Takes It...

Paxil, that is. On a recent publicity tour to promote his new CD, Gay Claiken has been confronting a lot of hard issues. For the most part, none of them have been penises.

First and foremost, he is lowering his defenses about that whole "gay" issue. Instead of denying it, he's now telling People that no one would believe him if he denied it. That's half way to Lance Bass-town. It's only a few more steps to Liberace-Land. Unfortunately he isn't comfortable enough in his own skin to live openly, but I don't hold that against him. He is one of the few people who have been threatened with a lawsuit (from crazed fan "Claymates") if he comes out.

In other non-news, the AI runner-up tells Good Morning America that he takes Paxil to combat depression. Several factors contribute to his doping up, including being bullied and the death of his father. Apparently this combination of pre-requisites (while applicable to at least 60% of America) is carte-blanche for meds without therapy, because Clay does NOT want to see a shrink. I guess Tom Cruise can't win them all. I always say that the best therapist is a bottle of Jack Daniels anyway.

Unfortunately for Clay, a therapist might actually help him along the path of self-realization. For now though, we'll have to be content with the emotionless glazed-eye closeted reality TV castoff.

Liz Is On the Edge

The cauldron over at 'The View' is about to boil over.

The concept is simple. Throw 4-5 of television's biggest mouthed, overly opinionated women into a fishbowl and shake. Earlier this year, Star Jones-a-the-Hut was canned in a rather loud PR move to soften the image of the show and Meri Viera moved over to the Today Show. This left producers with a very large void to fill.

What woman fits the above criteria and is large enough to fill the spots at the table formerly occupied by Star Jones AND Merideth? None other than Rosie O'Donnell. The former queen of nice with the blue state snarl has been on the show for a couple of weeks now.

Pretty pixie Elisabeth Hasselbeck (formerly of 'Survivor') has been the sole voice of the heartland on this decidedly metro show for years now. Many people have a problem with Hasselbeck, because she is employed solely to provide an opposing viewpoint to the other beasts at the table who are all quite liberal in their politics. I don't ALWAYS agree with her, but I have to admire her for being the sole voice of opposition against those foaming monstrosities. Showdown Rosie/Liz is in full swing, and apparently Liz is feeing the emotional weight of the conflict. According to 'biz gossip, 'liz has been weeping frequently when the cameras stop rolling.

From her "just to be different" coffee mug, to her griping about not being the "boss", Rosie is proving over and over that she has to stand out. Even though she had the space of two women to fill, she still doesn't fit in.

The Battle of the Axes

Spunky empire builder Rachael Ray is about to launch her syndicated talk show, which includes a 360 degree spinning audience and much ballyhoo.

File under HI-larious: 4 Martha Stewart staffers were ejected from the audience of a RR taping after being recognized by studio security who happens to moonlight over at Studio Stewart. Obviously Martha is looking for the inside scoop. So I thought I would take a pass at the scoring in a Martha/Rachael battle royale. Fuck Kitchen Stadium, the real challenge today is cat fighting domestic divas.

So Rachael is the new thing in town, which in the TV business means decent numbers as long as she doesn't totally suck.

Rachael 1, Martha Stewart 0.

She may not be model pretty, but Rachael is waaaaaay hotter than Martha and has been in FHM seductively licking cream and chocolate off of various pseudo-phalluses.

Rachael 2, Martha, 0.

Uh oh, it looks like the icy domestic diva is trailing pretty heavily. But Martha has a billion dollar empire with magazines, products, TV, satellite radio, and and a more established resume which includes being able to make a toilet seat out of a pumpkin and some spackle.

Rachael 2, Martha, 1.

Martha's production company is called "Martha Stewart Omni-Media" as in omnipresent. Yeah, like God. Rachael is being produced by Oprah.

Rachael 3, Martha, 1.

Ms. Ray's catch phrase is "Yum-o" . Ms. Stewart's catch phrase is "It's a good thing". Both Lame. Draw.

Martha has done hard time, so she can kill a bitch.

Rachael 3, Martha, 2.

Unfortunately for Martha, just like the merangue on a perfect Baked Alaska or John Travolta... Rachael may come out on top. Yum-o.

Scarlett Will Never Lose Her Curves

"I try to stay fit and eat healthily, but I'm not anxious to starve myself and become unnaturally thin,"

So says the delicious Scarlett Johannsen, who was talking recently about body image and what the fashion industry and Hollywood tend to promote.

"I don't find that look attractive on women and I don't want to become part of that trend. It's unhealthy and it puts too much pressure on women in general who are being fed this image of the ideal, which it is not."

I have to agree with her. The Kate Moss thing is so 1996. We need to move to a decade of fit hotties with big boobs. Just like... uh.... Scarlett. Really, it's a win/win situation for everyone. Women shouldn't have to starve themselves, and the world's average bra size will increase exponentially.

Seriously though, people need to be happy and healthy. A pop culture that embraces a look that is only achieved through eating disorders is unhealthy and wrong. I'll take Scarlett or Jessica Biel over Keira or Kate Moss any day.

Anna Nicole's Son.

I would be a really heartless bastard if I made fun of the death of a pseudo-celebrity. So even though I am a heartless bastard, I will still pass on this one because there is just so much damn intrigue.

If you don't know about this, get back under your rock. But you can think about this on your way there. Anna Nicole Smith gave birth about a week ago in Nassau, Bahamas. Three days later, her 20 year old son was found dead in her hospital room. The first thing that comes to mind is drug overdose, some toxic substance, or murdering candy stripers.

TMZ.com is saying that there is a clue to his death in the flight to the Bahamas, and the crew is being interviewed. Unless one of them put strichtnine in the guacamole, it looks like the signs might be pointing towards alcohol poisoning of some kind. Is there such a thing? How many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels does it take to kill a guy? I once had about 8 of them on a flight from Heathrow to JFK, but all I got was a headache.

There's a coroner's inquest scheduled in October. I'm sure there will be more information coming soon.

Aniston is Best Dressed

People Magazine has released its list of Best Dressed Celebrities. Topping the list is Mrs. Vaughn herself, Jennifer Aniston. Those who voted for her (by a whopping 54% of the vote) cited her "impeccable taste" and brand loyalty.

Wait a second... BRAND LOYALTY? What is this an undergraduate marketing course?

The top five is as follows:

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Halle Berry
3. Jessica Alba
4. Beyonce
5. Eva Longoria
...

That's very similar to a list that I have. It has nothing to do with being best dressed, or even dressed at all. I think it's possible that this list is ranked by the number of times your cleavage has been exposed to the world. Impeccable taste, my ass.

Oops? She Did It Again.

Lohan's snooch has been getting more exposure than Kodak this week. Here we are just a couple of days from the first North American hairless beaver sighting at the Venice canals, and we're "treated" to another viewing of the "goods". And by "goods" I mean, "bads".

Poor Lindsay used to be cute. I think that it's entirely possible that Herbie the Love Bug runs on hot instead of fuel. That bastard Volkswagen must have sucked all of the hotness from her. Once the movie wrapped, all the world was left with was a shriveled husk of frecked gin salts.

Don't get me wrong. I would rather see a picture of this than many crime scenes or anything involving David Hasslehoff. That being said, this is the first picture of a naked woman that has made me feel like I have to take a shower.

Welcome to the Club, Paris.

Part of me really wants this to stick.

Early this morning, Paris Hilton was arrested for driving while intoxicated. The dizzy debutante was driving erratically in Hollywood and a DUI Taskforce took her down. After failing the roadside test she was (presumably) handcuffed, and taken in to the police station.

Now for average joes like you or me, this would begin a terrible process that can take over a year or two and cast a permanent shadow over your life. There are several court appearances, mandatory classes, addiction evaluations, and all other manner of flaming hoops that are designed to embarrass and make you never want to drink again. Then, every time you fill out a background check or job application you have to answer "yes" to "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?".

For celebrities, it's generally a bit easier. They go to court with a celebrity attorney and end up with a slap on the wrist. Sometimes they have to cut a PSA for NBC's 'The More You Know' or some other weak shit. It reminds me of when I was an RA, and the worst punsihment that we could come up with for the kid who shit in the shower stall was that he had to make 3 posters.

I don't want anyone to have a hard time, but if your name is Paris Hilton and you have basically spent life with a silver spoon, chances are I'm not rooting FOR you.

Lohan's Moose Knuckle and the Canals of Venice

You know that I was going to be all over this like crazy on Tom Cruise. Lindsay Lohan (star of one of my guiltiest pleasures Mean Girls, and general Hollywood ho-bag) flashed her cooter to the world yesterday.


Linds is slutting around Europe to promote her new movie Bobby. This picture comes to us from the canal docks of Venice, Italy. People who have spent a hot, still day in the Italian city know that the stench can be overwhelming at times. Lohan, never resisting a challenge, decided to give those pesky canals a run for their money.

Leaving her panties to rot on the hotel room floor or the CDC petri dish (whichever comes first) Lindsay strutted her stuff to the publicity event. With nothing but air and a but of breezy fabric seperating the world famous firecrotch from the prying lenses of the paparazzi she entered the race. While the Venice canals had the very slight edge aroma-wise, Ho-han clearly won the competition for channel width.

Lohan Birth Canal 1, Venice Canal 1.

Johnny Depp is Really Cool.

Or he has the best publicists in the world.

I've long said that I think that Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors of our generation, if not all time. Just spend a day and watch Edward Scissorhands, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Finding Neverland. At the conclusion, tell me that it was the same actor starring in all three movies. It's almost hard to believe.

There is something about the combination of talent and charm that makes me really respect Johnny Depp. It has been noted in the past that he is one of the best H-wood celebs when it comes to autograph signing. But looking at this paparazzi shot of Depp doing something that your average local newscaster would deny really makes me feel good about the fact that there are still some real people in L.A.