A Rant For a Slow News Day

No one in Hollywood has flashed their junk in the last 24 hours and the streets are temporarily free from drug addled B-listers. As a result, all is calm on the western front.

I'd like to take the opportunity to address those of us who live in the north...

When it snows, why do you all park like a special olympian on crack?

As I cruise my parking lot looking for a spot, I am saddened, dismayed, and a dash angry at the people who can't seem to figure out how to park without the benefit of lines. There are people there who leave a half a spot between their car and the next. It's the perfect spot for a motorcycle, but unfortunately it's fucking winter, and no one has their choppers out. Each idiot who takes up 1 and a half spots deserves a backhand. And I'm not just talking about that one asshole with the '98 Audi who thinks he's special. I'm talking about everyone... shitty mini vans, new BMWs, even the plow truck itself. You are all morons.

When the snow melts, and you return to your car to see that you've actually parked on top of the line, and 4 feet from the nearest obstacle... Do you make a mental note to remember how you park when there ARE lines? Do you notice that you have to be careful not to hit other car doors? Because this morning when you parked your shitty ride diagonally across the visitor space, you were able to fling your door wide, and still have space to spare.

Don't be a dickweed. That is all.

On the Street Where You Live... Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson has set his pale ass back on American soil. He's been jetting around from Memphis (to "honor" James Brown with his presence at the memorial) and Vegas, and back. But recently on a series of phone interviews, his people would not divulge his currently location for "security reasons".

In a fair world, this guy would have been convicted of drugging (remember Jesus Juice?) and touching (poor, little Culkin and God knows who else) kids. As part of that conviction, he would have to notify the authorities of his whereabouts. Because he got off (bad use of the term, I know) he doesn't have to tell anyone where he is.

He could be camping out on YOUR street. Think about that. You go to get your morning paper, and there crouched behind the tulips... Jacko! Ladies and gentlemen, lock your doors because Michael's bringing WackyBack.

Paris' Container is leaked.

The contents of Paris Hilton's storage locker have been leaked.

In addition to medical receipts for a miscarriage in 2003, bank statements, prescription bottles for Valtrex (that's herpes, for you young'uns), and more fun stuff there was another treasure trove of porn. And by treasure trove, I mean dumpster.

I shouldn't be so hard on her. She's a multi-millionaire idiot, but shes got pretty nice tits.

More information and pictures and videos, HERE.

Mall Security Fights Over Simpson

TMZ is reporting that Jessica Simpson was the cause of a fist fight at the mall. When I first saw the headline, I thought that it was referring to everybody who bought Employee of the Month versus every store clerk who would only give store credit for the inevitable return.

But no!

This is a case where mall security decided to step it up for my favorite big boobed blonde. Apparently the paparazzi were really swarming that day, so mall security decided to give one lens leech the old shove. Pap's reply? Two shutterbugs pounded the guard with fists-a-flyin'. The sweet taste of victory was awarded to mall security for once, when a group of them managed to subdue the angry photogs.

An interesting profile of three very different jobs. On one hand you have paparazzi, who swarm around fleeting fame like flies on a horse farm. They kill princesses and annoy drunk heiresses. Then there's Mall Security who spend their days moving kids around the food court and macking on that girl who works at Piercing Pagoda. And the third and perhaps most interesting of all jobs, "pop music has been". They spend their days flashing their fleshy bits to the very photographers that they run from and buying high-end crap with the royalties from their one big hit. I never saw THAT posting on Monster.com.

ACTUAL Pirating... in England.

The huge container ship MSC Napoli has been intentionally run aground off of the coast of England. Apparently the ship was damaged in a freak storm, ripping a hole and causing the ship to list. The crew was evacuated, and the ship was grounded on a sand bar.

One interesting side effect has been that over 200 of the 2000 plus containers aboard have started washing ashore. (Some have just been washing... Shampoo has already been seen bobbing in the sea.) Around 40 of these tractor trailer sized containers have hit the beach. Recovered items include BMW motorcycles, car parts, and oak barrels of wine.

People have been looting the beach, rolling away anything they can get their hands on. It's not totally illegal, either. There is paperwork that they have to fill out to make it legit. At that point, the original owner can attempt recovery.

This is a chance for someone to dust off an OLD set of laws and actually inhabit a position presumably given as a gag title. The Receiver of Wrecks will be evaluating salvage claims based on a set of laws dating from the 1300's.

And I thought that was Joan Rivers' job.

Paris to Fix the Wonky Eye?

Paris Hilton's screwed up eye is on the pages of the New York Post.

Page Six is reporting that she went to a plastic surgeon this week to discuss fixing that retarded little flap of skin. (No, not Paris. Just her eye.) According to the article, she had her eyes done 6 years ago and some muscular damage to her eyelid resulted. That half-drunk, punched-in-the-eye look has become a sort of trademark for her. If the muscle is that damaged, she might be out of luck.

According to a source, the doc has told her to stop wearing colored contacts to turn her brown eyes blue. Apparently they are irritating the issue by drying out her eye. Maybe if someone made her cry that would help.

Here's a fun fact: Over 700,000 people have bought her sex tape One Night in Paris. Only 100,000 + people have bought her CD. People would rather watch the transmission of STDs than hear to Paris sing.

Jessica Biel's Tongue.

This picture is old as shit, but I needed to post it anyway. Look, marvel, and ponder at Jessica Biel's tongue... It has more folds than Tara Reid's abdomen.

What a lucky girl. (And I'm not talking about Jessica, Tara, or Derek Jeter.)

Lohan is in Rehab... Finally.

According to CNN (an actual news outlet), Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into L.A.'s Wonderland Center rehab for undisclosed reasons. She has admitted to attending AA meetings in the past so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she's going to be doing for the next few weeks.

Can you imagine being the poor bastard in her group sessions who was sentenced by the court to be there? His life is about as shitty as it gets, and he's going to have to listen to underage Ho-han bitch about how she can't deal with her millions of dollars and fame. I hope they don't allow any sharp objects in there, because she might come out missing an eye.

In other news... CNN? Yeah. She's way too famous. Sure, Mean Girls was a great movie, but that's about it.

Edited to Add: What was the spark that set this train into motion you ask? Lohan was allegedly found passed out in the hallway outside of Prince's Golden Globes party at 6 am.

Cameron Diaz is a Mess.

It's a big night in Hollywood. The Golden Globes were on, and most people are drunk and wallowing in their own riches and success. It was an even BIGGER night for stalkers. According to Page Six, Cameron Diaz spent the evening following Justin Timberlake around from party to party.

After she tracked him to the In Style party (probably by dispatching a crew of flying monkeys with N'Sync posters and $5 bills) they had an awkward conversion. Then her magic mirror told her that he was up at the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton, celebrating his freedom at the Universal party. When she arrived, Justin had the gall to be talking to Derek Jeter's beard and the current holder of "most toned ass in Hollywood", Jessica Biel. Cameron "Batman Joker in a wedding dress" Diaz couldn't have that. So she marched over an blew up at Biel. The source called the scene "desperate".

Justin Timberlake has been rumored to be dating Scarlett Johansen, and now he's macking on Jessica Biel. The Joker has a right to be jealous. Unfortunately, her downward spiral started months ago... this is just another twist. What a frigging mess.

Golden Globes Round Up.

I'm an awards show loser. I'll admit it. Last night I sat with a couple of my best mates and got a little drunk on Captain Morgan to the soothing sounds of the Golden Globes.

Notable occurences:

• Prince won an award, but wasn't there to accept it. The camera did get a picture of his empty chair, and presenter Justin Timberlake got in a dig by scrunching down really short and accepting the reward on behalf of the little Prince. (Apparently Prince was on record previously saying something along the lines of "whoever is trying to bring sexy back should know that sexy never left." So, turnabout is fair play in the world of effeminate pop stars.)

• Helen Mirren's dress had a big old hole in the back that must have been ripped as she went up to accept her award. More disturbing, the hole in the front... showing lots of old lady cleavage.

• Lots of dudes talking about balls. First, Tom Hanks said "balls" about 50 times, referring to Warren Beatty. A few moments later he admited to fucking Warren Beatty. Unlike when he fucked everyone else in the world who paid $7.50 to see Polar Express. Sasha Baron Cohen also spent about an hour talking about balls and man ass in his speech. But he's British, so it is expected.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger hobbled out on crutches to a mixed-to-cool reception of the left wing Hollywood crowd. He rushed through the award he was giving out. I think it was 'Best BrazillianWax by an Illegal Immigrant' or some shit. Then he ended the show with a lame ass "We'll be bah-ck". Incidentally, the award was not given to anyone who worked on Britney, Lohan, or Paris. It was in fact given to someone who works for Ben Affleck.

All told, it wasn't the best show... But giving Hollywood a lot of booze, and then turning the cameras on never fails to create a moment or two.

Jack-Owes a lot of money.

Star-Pharmacy Mickey Fine is seeking $101,926.66 from Pop's biggest freak. According to TMZ obtained court documents, Michael Jackson stopped paying his drug bill in mid-2005. Since then, he ordered over 100k worth of meds.

I understand that prescription pills are expensive, but even at $10 a pill we're still talking over 10,000 pills which roughly amounts to 18 per day since he stopped paying. (That IS assuming that he doesn't have some kind of health insurance, which would of course increase the haul.)

The real news here is that even with 18 pills a day if you're a kid-toucher, no amount of drugs can supress that. This is very bad news for the Catholic church.

See what I did there? Simple math.

Kitchen Disasters with Gordon Ramsay!

I just got an email from the casting department of "Kitchen Disasters" asking if I'd like Chef Gordon Ramsay (Fox's Hell's Kitchen) to come to my restaurant and fix it up.

So, if you are a restaurant owner and you've got yourself a grade A shithole, Chef Gordon will come clean that shit up.

I'm the first person to admit that I have daddy issues, and for one brief, shining moment I considered seeking Ramsay's approval on season 3 of Hell's Kitchen. Now you have the chance to be mocked for more than your occupation, but your entire life's work. Sign up, but if you do... give me a shoutout, and I want Chef's autograph.

As follows:

Have you ever dreamed that CHEF GORDON RAMSAY (FOX's Hell's Kitchen) would come into your establishment for one week and troubleshoot your problems?
No matter what type of restaurant, if you need help, please contact the casting department as soon as possible!
Do any of these apply to you?

- Has your restaurant been open for many years and you are barely covering the bills?
- Are you a first-time owner who sank your life savings into the restaurant and it's not making it?
- Are you an experienced restaurateur and your newest venture is not taking off?
- Are your food costs, liquor costs and staffing expenses too high to survive?
- Are you in a fantastic location and you still don't appeal to the customers?
- Do the Chef, Staff & Owner have differing visions of the restaurant?
- Is the communication between the kitchen and front of house bad?
- Have you tried everything to increase business and nothing helps?

YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS!

If you are passionate about turning your fortunes around, then we would love to hear from you.

Please email the casting department at kitchennightmares@gmail.com with the following information:

1. Name(s) and Age(s) of restaurant owner(s)
2. Location and contact number
3. A photograph of the outside of the restaurant and owner (include a staff photograph if possible).
4. A description of why you need Chef Gordon Ramsay's help

**If selected, you will be compensated for your time**

Trump v. Rosie Continues...

Trump allegedly wrote a letter to Rosie O'Donnell that essentially taunts her more and more. Pictured left, the letter, presumably from the cat headed mogul himself says that Barbara Walters called Rosie a pig, among other things.

Unfortunately for him, Rosie is beating him in the ratings game. The Apprentice came in a terrible third the other night, and The View is on an uptick.

I think this whole thing is pretty frigging ridiculous. These people have more money than God and they're slapping at each other like a couple of high schoolers.

Britney Just Needed To Hang On a Little Longer.

It looks like Caesar's Palace is looking to keep the $400,000 that they agreed to pay Britney Spears to get drunk at PURE nightclub on New Year's Eve. Imagine a world where a casino pays panty-less former mouseketeer almost a half a million dollars to basically hang out at the bar. Seems pretty crazy, right?

That's nothing. You're living in a world where a casino offers to pay a panty-less former mouseketeer almost a half a million dollars to hang out at their bar and she can't even get through the night. It has been widely publicized that she "passed out" and had to be carried out of the nightclub by her entourage. According to according to Ben Widdicombe at the NY Daily News, the club is not going to pay her beacuse she left early.

The hits just keep on coming for Brit. First there'e the divorce, then the crotch shots... Now she can't even get paid. Time will only tell what indignities time and tide will allow for the former spank bank prodigy.

Dita Von Manson Says it's Sadistic!

In some truly shocking news, Marilyn Manson's burlesque pinup wife, Dita Von Teese is seeking to split from the pale rocker because he's a freak. According to Page Six, she wants to serve him with divorce papers citing irreconcilable differences... If she can find him. Marilyn has gone AWOL, he hasn't been in touch since before the holidays.

The two have been together for over 8 years, but only 1 year of marriage. Custody is the question for 2 cats and 2 dogs. If I were the one making that call, I'd let them go with Dita. Better they are ball gagged and dressed in latex than eaten by a goth posse.

I've been on a New Year's bender or two, but none so bad that I wouldn't notice my wife moving out of the house. Here's hoping that everything's alright in the world of Mr. Manson.

Trump Continues Feud with Rosie "Today"

Trump and his hot daughter Ivanka (pictured, right) sat down for a quick chat with former View co-hag Meri Viera on this morning's Today show. Presumably the time was booked for the Trumpster and the drippy debutante to shill for the premiere of The Apprentice: Los Angeles which is in the can, and heading our way.

In classic (and class-y) form, Today opened the interview with clips of Rosie O'Donnell talking about Don's bankruptcies and marriages, and Don saying Rosie was fat, stupid, and ugly. Viera jumped right out of the gate and asked him the big question about this very public feud.

Rather than take the high road, Donny boy continued to snipe at her. Let me summarize the whole thing this way:

• Rosie took a shot at Donald because she was pissed that he "pardoned" Miss Tara Conner for getting out of control.
• Donald shot back in a snarky, albeit schoolyard fashion.
• Rosie pointed America to a Wikipedia page (rumored to be her own creation) listing some of The Don's failures.
• Rinse... and repeat.

It's time to end this. Really.

Donald... if you're reading the Pirate (which I know you do) I have some unsolicited advice (in gold, cause I know that will get your attention):

Stop giving publicity to the loudmouth flannel licker by talking about her. It's free advertising for her lesbian clam bakes and anti-establishment rhetoric. You're worth more than that, don't stoop to that level.

Rosie... I KNOW you love some Angry Pirate, so here's some for you (in pink, cause I've heard you like it for some reason):

There's no reason to continue this, because all you're doing is helping Trump promote his show. Keep up the good work with the gay cruises and your advocacy for family rights, don't stoop to that level.

Done and Done.

Happy F-ing New Year!

To the one and a half people that read this blog, I want to say this:

Stop calling me TOPHER!

Nah, I'm just kidding. I really mean:

Happy F-ing 2007!

Which that is pretty much what Vanessa Minnillo (AKA Nick Lachey's DNA bucket replacement for Jessie) said live on the MTV airwaves on New Year's Eve. You can see the actual f-bomb almost live, right here:




She's pretty hot, and pretty drunk. Put that on TV and you've got ratings gold.

Unfortunately about 15 people watch MTV's New Year's Eve programming, and most of them are already making out or playing spin the bottle by that time of the night. (9 pm) You can't waste time watching TV when Timmy's dad could come downstairs at any minute. (And just so you know... That Haylie Smith is the biggest ho-bag in the sixth grade... Seriously, you better get yourself checked out) If you had been watching instead of trying to touch a boobie for the first time, you might have noticed that glittery bitch on TV saying the bad word that daddy says when mom won't bring him the meatloaf.

Actually, I'm glad that someone misses the Pirate. Posting here is my New Year's resolution. Well that, and touching a boobie for the first time. Damn Haylie Smith.