Jackhammered is out... Lesbian A*s Licking, VERY IN.

So every year, some lucky (very polite, certainly) Canadian guy gets to determine just what "obscene" material is allowed into the country.

This year's list is published on TheSmokingGun. For some reason, Extreme Torture 31: Beautiful Girls in Serious Pain is allowed in, whilst Extreme Torture 36: Beautiful Girls in Serious Pain is not permitted in the country. Apparently somewhere between 31 and 36, they crossed the line. I think it was probably when the girl in nip clamps ate her french fries without gravy that did it.

But aside from frivolity, how chapped is that lucky canuck's girlfriend Rosey Palm? His job is watching porn. Though it doesn't beat the other guy, who's job is stuffing the national beaver.

La Linds is just Bogus...

According to an letter posted on The Smoking Gun, Lindsay Lohan has been put on warning. The producers of her current film "Georgia Rule" are fed up with her irresponsibility when it comes to her hangovers, tardiness, and no shows on the set.

I am starting a betting pool on Hohan today. The over/under on her vagina falling out, being diagnosed with a new strain of herpes, and getting fired from her current movie is 7 days.

There really isn't much more I can say other than this is HI-larious, and you NEED to read this letter.

Read the letter here.

OK Jess, Better 1... or Better 2...

Better 1, damn it.

Jessica Simpson and/or her representation are getting bi-polar when it comes to choosing the album cover for her upcoming CD "A Public Affair".

Originally, she had a pretty hot picture of her all strapless and cleavage-y (that's right, I made that a word) with wavy hair and a shimmery appeal.

It seems now, she's replaced it with a "I just got out of the shower, and threw on this T-Shirt" cover, which is meant to evoke a girl next door kind of deal.

I don't know about you, but I like the original one much better. It looks better, says more about the "public" nature of her life, and it's just hotter. And in reality, I think the second one is just a ploy to show her without a wedding ring. It tries to assert her independence from her former husband who's banging lot's of skanks right now. Unlike you.

You Ate the Food, You Drank the Wine...

So normally I reserve this little corner of the web for some high level discourse about what's truly important in the world. Topics such as stupid celebrities and Paris Hilton's vagina. Today, I take you to trendy NYC to share the story of a dating site hookup that went wrong.

Darren Sherman thought he had struck goldberg when he met Joanne on JDate, a dating website for Jewish singles. The pair went on a date to China Grill, a great restaurant in Manhattan. Apparently that was the only great part of the night.

When Joanne politely declined a second date, the Shermanator started a campaign that would make most credit bureaus blush. He called and left several voicemails at Joannes home and office, several emails, and even called China Grill to try to get them to collect the outrageous debt. Her half of dinner.

Some of my favorite quotes are:

"You ate the food, you drank the wine, Pay your bill."

"Do the right thing Joanne. "

"Sorry things didn't work out. I guess you changed your
mind. Here is my address for the $50 bucks:"

At the following link, you can read (and hear the voicemails) from the whole "saga". It's very amusing to observe firsthand something spinning so far out of control just because someone is petty and a little bit stupid.

More...

Hudson Sees a Lot of C*ck

Kate Hudson is sick of all of the penises that she has to deal with in her house. According to Kate, "There are two musician friends, English friends of ours, and I have seen their penises one too many times and you're just going, 'Why is it necessary for you to be walking around my house naked?' or 'Why do you think it's funny to flash me your penis?' But they do and it makes them who they are and I love them for it."

So, Kate "loves" them for the fact that they enjoy showing her their schlongs. Something tells me that if I walk up to Kate Hudson and whip out my dong I'd probably end up with an arrest and a restraining order.

But it makes me who I am, and she loves me for it.

Orlando Bloom is Whipped

So for those of us who watch Entourage for just a tiny slice of what it must be like to be a young Hollywood star on the rise, this situation seems cut right from the playbook.

Three possibilities:

• Kate Bosworth is the best lay in Hollywood.
• This was set up.
• Orlando is gayer than Quiche Lorraine.

NOTE: The part in green is fact, the rest is educated speculation.

Scene: Chateau Marmont, dusk.
Orlando Bloom and unidentifed douchebag sit at a table for two, chatting earnestly.

OB: So how about that Pirates gig, huh?
DB: You were like, so amazing in that film Land-o, so swashbuckling and brawny.
OB: (Wave of the hand) Stop IT! (giggle) I can't believe what they're paying me to sleepwalk through the final few scenes of the third one. It's almost like Hollywood doesn't care anymore.

Attractive brunette model approaches the table, the boys stop and turn.

BM: Hi Orlando, would you care to accompany me to an art gallery party in just a few?
OB: Sorry, the girlfriend wouldn't approve. (looks over at reporter from People Insider and winks)
BM: Who, Kate Bosworth? "The girlfriend?" Please... she was letting Superman poke at her tonsils every night in her trailer on the set of that movie.
OB: OK, hold on... That's not part of the deal, bitch.
BM: Go to hell. This is hardly worth the $20 that your douchebag friend just slipped me on the way to the can. I'm not even going to be identified by name.

Attractive brunette model storms off.

DB: It's OK cupcake, I'll take care of People.
OB: (eyes welling with tears) You are so good to me.

Christina's No-Nos Are Now Lead Free

Maybe it's a nod to heightened airport security. But Christina says out of respect for her husband, she has finally removed all of her piercings. R. E. S. Pect, bitches. At the height of her skanky period, she went on record saying that she had 12 piercings, including her nips and hoo-ha.

I guess that once you've already banged Christina Aguilera you can take the moral high road. But you can't tell me that he threw her out of bed that month where she looked like a 2 dollar whore.

What the f. is this guys problem? Piercings are supposed to increase sexual pleasure, but he wants her all natural and half as sexual.

If he'd wanted to marry Martha Stewart, he should have. She only has one nipple piercing and she makes one hell of an apple pie.

Oh Danny Boy, The Pipe, The Pipe is Calling...

The acting gene doesn't run deep in the Baldwin family. Some, including myself, would say that it doesn't run at all... Rather, it drunkenly staggers through the Baldwin family.

For those of you who love the campy John Carpenter's Vampires as much as I do, you'll know that the only thing that detracts from it's fabulous James Woods-iness is none other than Daniel Baldwin. He stumbles through the movie like an even more bloated version of his more famous brother. As you can tell from their suspicious absence from the captions, Danny boy seems to think he can cover up his horrendous lack of acting chops by inserting "fuck" or "fucked" between every other word. All I can say is, "gravitas", Dan, "gravi-fucking-tas".

Seems like Danny, who has had previous brush-ins with the law (including cocaine possession) got really drunk last night and rented a car. Mind you, his license is still suspended from some of his last outings. Cops say he was driving thorough LA weaving at speeds exceeding 80 m.p.h. When he finally stopped, it was because he ran a red light and slammed into two cars. Who knows what his status is, but I personally think that he might be "fucked".

Paris Hilton on Cops?

I hate Paris Hilton. Even when she doesn't do anything, she annoys me. The other night, according to witnesses, Paris engaged in a car chase with an LA cop.

For whatever reason, the sherriff let her off, claiming that she was "remorseful" for her evasive actions, and oh, by the way... she didn't act intoxicated.

A special note to law enforcement everywhere... if you pull Paris Hilton over at 2 am, she is drunk or high. Possibly both. If you let her off, she will just keep it up... and probably laugh at you behind your back.

Maybe this guy was jonesing for a case of the clap, or was missing a little herpes in his life. He might have been hoping that the hotel heiress would even comp him a night at the Waldorf... Either way, he has now gone on record looking like an idiot. Someone just arrest her, please.

Electra and Navarro No More

Sexy chick Carmen Electra and hairy chick Dave Navarro have called it quits, according to TMZ.com. The singing and strutting duo were married in 2003, quite uncommercially on MTV via their not so hit show Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen + Dave.

Now that Carmen Electra is back on the market, freaks everywhere are polishing their crazy shoes and getting ready for the hottest date of their lives. Carmen has been through Dennis Rodman, and now Dave Navarro... so if you're a bisexual dude with a penchant for some very wierd shit, just head to LA, and you might have a shot at infamy.

Ms. Electra won't be available on the dating scene for at least a couple of months. She and Paris Hilton will be competing in "Crazy Extreme Petri-Dish Bonanza" on Japanese television. The competition will pair the girls with a scientist and a GYN, whichever team can come up with the most unique combination of skank wins a Dyson vacuum.

Pfeiffer to Sing Again in 'Spray.

Michelle Pfeiffer has joined the cast of the film version of Broadway hit 'Hairspray'. The cast includes John Travolta in drag, Queen Latifah in sequins, Billy Crystal in plaid, and Amanda Bynes in a schoolgirl outfit.

With this new addition, this movie officially has everything, a couple of hot chicks, a couple of funny people, and a crossdressing scientologist.

I'm excited about the film, because I like the show, but I'm afraid for it's commercial success, because of the recent lackluster performance of other movie musicals such as The Producers and The Phantom of the Opera.

The Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah version of Chicago was such a success that it spawned a new era of movie musicals. Maybe the fact that Hairspray has both Queen Latifah, and no "the" in its title might help it be more successful than some of its predecessors.

How Many Ushers Should Be on Broadway?

Let me pause to take a break from my normal stream of hypo-hetero posts to talk about one of my not so secret loves. The theatre.

R+B star Usher is set to take on the role of Billy Flynn in the current Broadway revival of Chicago. Billy Flynn has been played by a cacaphony of celebrities and not-so-celebrities including Richard Gere, Wayne Brady, George Hamilton, and dare I mention the late, great Jerry Orbach (of later Law & Order fame). Usher may suprise me, but from what I understand his acting chops aren't Broadway caliber.

In the business this is referred to as "stunt casting". When a producer wants to get attention for a particular show, they will often cast a someone of LA-style or minor TV celebrity in a role. Sometimes this proves successful (American Idol's Diana DeGarmo is heard to be an excellent Penny in Hairspray) other times lukewarm (Julia Roberts' mumbling performance in Three Days of Rain), and more often than not a complete failure (Alec Baldwin in anything).

Basically, I applaud any strategy that will sell tickets to live theatre. However, I personally know about 100 actors who are more qualified for the role than Usher Raymond. We'll have to sit back and wait for the inevitable reviews.

(Since I don't want Usher's abs all up in this blog, I've found a picture of him with a hot girl. Enjoy and proceed as usual.)

Carrot Top is No Ron Jeremy

According to Lindsay Lohan, redheads are hot in the sack. Well not actually according to her... she's paraphrasing a Playboy book. So, according to Ho-han's interpretation of Playboy in addition to her own, uh, body of work... redheads are firecrackers in the bedroom.

The only reason that I feel it necessary to mention this is that it is an obvious cry for help. Starlets like Eva Longoria, who talk explicitly about their bedroom habits in the media are obviously lacking in something. It's either protein, attention or class. Perhaps a combination of the three. (Though I think we all know Linds gets enough protein in her diet.)

As for redheads being more sexual? My research is mixed. I know some redheads who are total whores. Others are repressed mutants.

As for Miss Lohan's classification, that's up to you. I'll give you a hint though... is sounds like 'door'.

Anna-rexic?

Tennis star and centerfold Anna Kournikova is denying allegations that she has anorexia, a frighteningly commonplace eating disorder that plagues red carpets and runways worldwide.

She went from this:
To this:

Now I'll let you be the judge. Some might say it's the pose. But let me say for the record, that there is no pose that the top Anna could do that would expose that much bone to the world. Maybe I should rephrase that.

Her defense is to say that her "body is changing", which isn't really a good brush off to the anorexia debate.

I'm all for people looking fit, but when your neck and shoulder line looks like Golden Gate bridge then you might just need to bulk up just a tad. Curves are where it's at.

Portman Goes Full Monty

Natalie Portman answered the prayers of Key Grips and Best Boys everywhere when she agreed to get all nekkid-like on the set of Goya's Ghosts.

Stripping for the art isn't new to Nat, who went starkers for her strip club scenes in Closer. Unfortunately for the movie going public, she had second thoughts, and director Mike Nichols had to go to B-roll and take a fine razor to ax out any hint of boobie.

In the new film, she plays Goya's muse, who eventually is stripped down and tortured in the name of God. As any good inquisitor knows, the stripping down is essential. Not only does it help in the torturing, but it also helps the box office.

Let's just hope that Port-port doesn't get cold, uh, feet again.

Proof of Life?

TMZ.com has a copy of "Suri Cruise's" "birth" "certificate".

There are some sort of Scooby Doo style hijinks afoot with this, and the editors of TMZ do a fine job pointing out the inconsistencies.

When they pull the mask off of Xenu and it's really old man Hubbard under there, if he says "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling kid", you owe me a shot.

Because anything else would make me yack, I am including a picture of Kate Noelle Holmes before she was posessed by Satan.

The "certificate" of "birth" is available here.

A Pirate's (Subliminal) Take on 'Pirates'

Normally I waste your precious time blogging about stupid celebrities (Britney Spears) and the dumb crap that they do (Break babies). But right now, I need to throw up (Nicole Ritchie) a blog about something that I am really looking forward to. (Three chicks at once) I am excited about Pirates of the Caribbean.

I haven't seen the movie yet. Unfortunately for me, I have to pour drinks all weekend (Michelle Rodriguez) to the retarded (Paris Hilton) public, though I'm hoping for some time to see it on Sunday.

Johnny Depp's portrayal of Captain Jack is worth the price of admission, I'm sure. His ambiguously gay (Tom Cruise) and high (Lindsay Lohan) take on the the sea captain is absolutely hilarious (Tom Cruise, again).

I really can't wait for it (Three chicks at once).

See, an entire blog that wasn't about snarky gossip.

Jessica and Zach Sittin' in a Tree...

OK, I've always been on the fence about Jessica Simpson. Sometimes she looks incredibly hot, then I'll be smacked in the face with a shot where I think it's possible that she has a penis tucked away in there somewhere. I'm not really into manufactured blondes, of ANY kind.

So, my feelings of astonishment and *gasp*, petty jealousy when I heard that she's letting Scrubs star Zach Braff give her court the full press, may be unfounded. Still, I'm confused by my reaction.

I even like Braff. Scrubs is perhaps my favorite sitcom today. So this unnatural coupling should give me solace. A geeky dude with a sense of humor can bag Jessica Simpson. Huzzah! I think.

Just how many pencils is she smuggling in that picture, anyway.

Source

McPhee is Overworked

American Idol siren Katharine McPhee is falling apart.

According to TMZ.com, the belting beauty has a double dose of bronchitis and laryngitis as a result of her tireless work on her debut album. It's so bad that she missed the first night of Idols Live.

This is really a clutch time for Kitty Kat, because now is her moment to go all Clay Aiken on our asses. Well not exactly. Katharine doesn't want to glaze my man buns. She just wants to sell a lot more albums than the "winner". Katy has the capabilities, look, and power behind her to leave this Taylor Hick in the dust.

So, while the AI money machine isn't too happy and a bunch of fans are disappointed, I wouldn't hold this one against her too much. It is important to turn out a good album, because THAT is what will remain when the tour has played its last arena.

She just has to be careful, because each concert goer is a probable McCD buyer. She doesn't want to alienate them.

"Play Date" or Strategy for World Conquest?

Kingston Rossdale and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt had their first play date on Independence Day weekend. Normally, I wouldn't take the time to write as much as two sentences about two toddlers hitting each other with expensive toys, but in this case, attention must be paid.

Society needs to be afraid of these two children. If their genetic structures somehow merged, I believe that it would be the beginning of the end for the rest of us, non-superhero humans.

Seriously, let's just strip out the Y-chromosomes for a while... Imagine what would happen if just Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie could concieve a child together? Approximately 18 years later, there would be a world war over who got to be the first to date this specimen of genetic perfection. The "average" people of the world would end up killing each other in battle, and all that would be left are the super hot. Mix in dashes of the talent of Gavin, and the um... Brad Pitt, and you have a genetic milkshake that could create an explosion the likes of which we have never known.

As it stands, these two children are on track to being the hottest people ever. If they have charisma, we are all doomed. Doomed I tell you!!!

No, but seriously... Keep your eye on 2028's power couple. Before it's too late.